​For the better part of three hours I have tried to go back to sleep. I’ve listened to podcasts and even an audiobook only to lay here totally uncomfortable and wide awake. My body uses all kinds of excuses for this, but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that sometimes I just wasn’t meant to sleep. Today was a trying day, for one thing our internet and phone service went out for several hours, with my cellphone service still out. Needless to say since my cellphone carrier was bought out by a larger corporation the customer service has been lagging at best. But at the moment I don’t have the funds to switch carriers till the first of the month.

It's not that I won’t survive without cell service, but I do like having the convenience of a phone in the car. So probably more than anything that’s the reason I’m wide awake right now. Inconvenience and fear can be major distractions to our peace of mind. I’ve sat up a many a night worrying about how I was going to keep the lights on or feed my family through the years. My Mom used to tell me how she earned every grey hair in her head while raising me. That took me a while to grasp that, but boy do I understand now.

I suppose I’m typing these words for no other reason than to honor her sleepless nights. For the prayers and the letters burned on the gas stove. When I was younger I had a hard time understanding the logic of the old. For a really long time I never thought of myself as getting older. But with the turning of the page and watching my own babies raising babies. I sorta get to sit back and take a breath. But there are still days when doubt and fear crawl back across my spine. Reminding me not so gently, that I am not immune from trouble. That the very things that kept my parents up at night keep me awake and restless as well. 

​Among one of the earliest mental health conditions I was diagnosed with was OCD. Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder is basically the mental condition where you obsess about a single task. And while those repetitive thoughts can be debilitating, they can be good, because my OCD has gotten me through a lot of difficult assignments at school and at work. But the downside of it has also led me to have added depression, anxiety, and even caused a heart attack or three.

Waking up from a my afternoon nap our calico cat immediately come over from her perch to lay on top of my stomach. This is her not so subtle way of saying I want a little bit of attention. While I find this a little act quite aggravating, I’ve come to realize that her attention seeking often stops me from obsessing about some thought I may have in mind. It’s as though the good Lord above sent me this aggravating fur ball to remind me, that just being in the moment is more important than scurrying about in fear.

 Obsessing about the past and future is my kryptonite. I’ve failed at a many a life’s goal because of it. It has taken debilitating mental health issues and now a physical health breakdown to show me life’s more then a series of tasks. Being forced to slowdown and dive deeply into my own pain with love and compassion, has opened my understanding of the greater good. That planting good seed and listening intently is the greatest gift one can give. We hurry and hurry to achieve goals and often to just survive. Forcing us to forget that the journey itself is often the goal. Don’t wait for illness to force you to slowdown. Read the signs before having to slam on the brakes. Life is far too short. 

I’m not going to fight it, I’m wide awake again in the middle of the night. And while my words sound discouraging at least they’re honest. So if for nothing else, I must be true to myself. It’s nearly 60°f tonight and there’s not much more I can pull off to keep cool. Tomorrow evening a cold front will plow through from the West. So at least I got that to look forward to on my mission to get back to sleep. But it isn’t just the weather that’s keeping me awake. Currently my urinary tract are keeping me up with the dull reminder I still have stones.

But I’m not going to make this a “woe is me” kind of lesson. Instead I’m keeping an open dialogue with myself to reapply the glue that keeps my brain together. Agree or disagree, I am not a glass is half full kinda person. I see myself as a realist. One that looks objectively at myself and try’s my best to do better. For way, way too long I saw myself as a loser. I verbally abuse myself way more than anyone else does. Growing up bullied left a few deep impressions on your brain. Impressions so well indented, I hardly need anyone else to be critical of me, because I’ve become so good at it myself.

I could go on and on about this, but you know the story. It takes a lot of time and a lot of internal repair just to get yourself to some degree of “normalcy”. Hey, I’ve been doing this since 1999 and I’m still struggling. I guess more than anything I wanted to say, placards of affirmation and well-wishes never worked for me. But hearing other’s stories of struggle and pain did. I’d much rather hear the tales of an honest loser than any “life coach” with a paper certificate and an air-brushed smile. I’m a firm believer in “misery loves company “. Struggles are real, bruises are real, and scars are how we heal. I’m a work in progress, so don’t expect any more. We are frail finite creatures, and shouting bullshit at the wind convinces no one. Especially yourself. 

I would love to say my creative juices are flowing again after having the last few days off. But that my friend would be a lie. I finally got to come back home after spending the holidays house-sitting for my daughter. I don’t mind the house-sitting so much as the having to push through the pain of passing kidney stones at the same time. With nothing more than a bottle of Tylenol and a Chocolate Labrador for company, my weeklong stay over there wasn’t what I would call a vacation.

Maybe I’m just getting old and crotchety, but I’m set in my ways and hate having to change things up. But as with most things in life, you do what you gotta do for family. I mean it’s not like there isn’t a little give and take going on here. I mean I do drive her SUV for free and get unlimited access to hot showers. In a way I guess I’m one of the lucky ones. It’s not like I’m visiting my kids in rehab or worst yet prison every week. I mean my daughter’s are perfectly capable of taking care of their own families, without having me to step in.
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I suppose it all comes back to getting back what you give. And while there are parents and grandparents out there that have no choice but to step in and take over. I’m one of the fortunate ones that has kids that understand that there needs to be a balance between need and want in this relationship. But don’t worry there’s still plenty of fussing and fighting going on between us. I mean, we are only family. I suppose when your kids get to grow up and see your limits and your faults. It eliminates the specter of any unreal expectations we may place on things. Lord knows, I wasn’t the best parent by a long shot. But God knows I did try to be honest and helpful.