Part 1
For those of us that live under the umbrella of mental illness. Often our specific mental problems can flare up at moments without notice. Since my initial diagnosis back in 1999, I’ve lived with the fear that my symptoms can pop up without warning. Rather that makes you feel many of less of me doesn’t really matter. I made my peace with my condition a long time ago. Still with all the knowledge I possess about my condition; the triggers, the treatments, and the after effects. I am often still  disappointed with myself because I let it happen…again.

I know, I know I shouldn’t allow myself to walk this path. But the complexities of depression mixed in with a lot of self-esteem issues. It’s easy to take the path of least resistance and blame only yourself for what’s going on. So here I am, in a darkened room fighting a headache, fatigue, and anxiousness. Wishing for a kind word while not wanting to hear any word at all. I’ve been surrounded by patronizing words of solace and pity. Not to mention the advice of “turn it over to the Lord” or “just let it go”. Such things have offered me little comfort over the last 20+ years. Whereby only heaping even more feelings of guilt and unworthiness on me.

So I do what I do best…I wait. Allowing the words and condemnation to swirl around me. It may not seem like the smartest thing to do, but burying or suppressing the emotions doesn’t work either. So left to my own devices I ride through the storm. So far I’m doing okay considering. Maybe it’s just the experience itself that pulls me through. That maybe the act of repeating this shit show lessens the impact. I don’t know what to tell you, at the moment I’m the last person to ask advice. Cause right now I’m in survival mode just trying to get through the day. 

Part 2
A couple of days ago, I wrote about the feelings of depression that can often overcome my soul. And that pretty much nothing can pull me out of that funk but time. While time is an important element in my getting over the blues, so to are self-love and forgiveness. At the moment I’m looking at a very trying situation both physically and financially. So while I allowed myself a time to mourn, I woke up with a new sense of resolve and purpose to get through this day.
 
 Don’t know how to explain it other than that. Maybe it’s a built-in reflex or something? Or maybe it’s a learned trait from my family? All I know is after I give myself time to grieve, the loneliness and desperate emotions leave. My main sense of escape comes from sitting outside and letting my mind grab ahold of nature. The passing of the wind, the singing of the birds, even the buzzing of the gnats offers a certain amount of comfort. When you allow your mind to be overwhelmed by the manmade world, often you’re left confused and sad.
 
But I’ve learned that focusing on the simple tone of the bell or the repetitive called of a bird, can bring me back to the moment I really need to be. The here and now. There’s no voodoo aspect to it, very much like prayer it’s the quieting of the mind and the listening of the heart. Right now I’m focused, and I got my contingency plans in place. I know that eventually better things will happen. I’ve seen too many examples in my own life to think otherwise. So continue on your journey, learn the value of forgiveness, and know that in everyone’s life rain must fall.   

​I remember as a kid going over to my grandparents’ house in the summer to check on them. For whatever reason their 1940’s era stick-built home stayed as hot as a furnace during the summer. They had a large window AC unit they hardly ever used due to the cost of electricity. Opting instead to keeping the windows open and box fans running throughout the house. While sitting at the kitchenette sweating my ass off, Grandma always kept an old milk jug full of ice water in the fridge. So between the heat and the cigarette smoke at least there was some refuge from my discomfort with an ice cold glass of water.
 
Thinking about this we often look at life as just a set of chores. Never fully appreciating the simple pleasures of living, like the sound of laughter or the fullness of a good meal. Yesterday I had a conversation with someone and after that conversion I was totally stressed out. Not by anything in particular they said to me, but from the extremely negative way they were looking at their situation. I understand more than most the need to vent your frustrations. I just suppose at that moment I wasn’t the best person to be venting any of this information too.
 
While your circumstances at the moment may not be best, we can often find ourselves on the receiving end of someone else’s bad news. Seeking refuge mindfully may be a given for some of us, but for others we may be their only lifeline. Sometimes advice may not be the thing they need at the moment. Often they just need a sounding board to relieve the stress. So despite the immediate discomfort, it’s good to know you can still be there to help relieve some of the burden. So for me that cold glass of water was the fact that I can still offer some refuge in the heat of the moment.    

​Every once in a while I get the grandiose idea to create a product or develop an idea. But then my fragile body and mind remind me of who I am and wisely talk me out of it. Back when I worked I was never a very good drone. But I found a niche career in Security and online services that (A) kept me away from the general population, and (B) left me mostly to my own devices to do as I will. Now I just lay here a sad example of what the world would see as a productive person.

I’m sure dreams are still an important thing. But as I have matured, the acceptance of the moment is now the focal point of where I need to be. As my children mature I can see the worry and troubles of responsibility I once carried overtake their lives. As the retired parent in this relationship there’s not much I can offer but the same stale advice my parents haphazardly threw at me. So I’m doing my best to keep my emotional responses at bay. But as imperfect as I am, it would probably be easier to just tape my mouth shut and tattoo an apology across my head ahead of time.

Reading over what I have just written. I’m sure I’ve either disappointed or upset a large group of people. Especially those with some sort of ambition or internal need to succeed. But I’ll just taking my seat in the corner quietly watching the show. I’ve experienced how stress can rob one of their very soul. So for me to pass judgement anymore would be a bit hypocritical. So I pause. Knowing that eventually it’s example which truly teaches. Listening to the lessons of life play in my head. And accepting what I can change and doing my best to let go of the rest. 

​From the picture I took, I almost look productive. It’s funny, during my college years it was nothing for me to either be sitting at my desk doing work or laying flat on my back with the laptop doing the same. But not long after the “widow maker” I had during my Capstone Exam for my MBA. My mind and especially my body made a U-turn in my priorities and dropped me here where I am today. I haven’t written anything other than a few lines of poetry recently. My failing condition and this extreme heat have kept any deeper thoughts at bay.
 
I close my eyes and take a deep breath before continuing, packing together whatever random ideas I may have. I suppose if anything, I’d like to say productivity and the bottom line are not the end all be all goal of human existence. I used to think money and admiration were the goals that I needed to obtain happy  life. Now given my life experiences I would say it’s the simple things like a cool morning breeze or the stretching of our newest little granddaughter that makes me the happiest.
 
Since committing myself to the truth that we all suffer, that there a cause for our suffering, and there is a way to ease that suffering through balance. I have benefitted from it both physically and mentally but believe me I am far from perfect in my practice. There are moments when stress and exhaustion get the better of me. So I sit in silence often fighting with myself to be the better man. To my disappointment I often fail at the attempt to do the right thing. There’s no point in hiding it almost everyone I know has seen it. So why continue making the attempt, you ask? Well for the benefit of myself. I’ve made enough strides at this to know, that even the attempt at being a better person. Is a clear and worthy step to gaining the peace I have long sought.