 Me and Buffy are laying on the bed listening to the thunder outside. Despite my screwed up CPAP machine I slept pretty good last night, even after sleeping most of the day yesterday. As much as I hated to do it, I had to drive to the next town to run errands this morning. By the time I got back home it was raining even harder, but I really didn’t let it bother me. That’s because the problems that are currently surrounding me aren’t really my problems at all. Sometimes people like to project their problems onto you, usually by faulting you for the situation. As a fixer, I tend to take these accusations seriously. But I’m slowly teaching myself that I can’t continue to carry all this weight.
So me and Buffer are just taking it easy. As much as I would love to fix things. It’s not my place. Listen I ain’t nothing but an old loser who hopefully tried his best. But I usually fell short most of the time. It’s always been cynicism and sarcasm, that have kept me from going insane. I like to think love also had something to do with it. But recently even that charm has worn a bit thin on people. So I look to whatever, never completely believing anything anymore, when it comes to destiny. So I breathe in this nothingness that I’m learning is apparently everything. So don’t worry about me. Don’t blame yourselves for any of my shortcomings. My decent into this madness is only temporary, while I re-gather and regroup myself. Realizing that all this is only temporary, life is but this very moment, and that the past is a memory, while the future is the hope. So I’m laying here not wasting the moment, but instead embracing the peace and the thunder that scurries across my mind. For what is more temporary then a thought.
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 So I quit writing for a few days. Trying to give myself the luxury of clearing my head. But despite being both physically and mentally exhausted, I still have household obligations to fulfill. I wish my obligations were as simple as just washing dishes or doing the laundry. But they also include meal planning, chauffeuring, as well as, all major household decisions. All this was fairly routine for a number of years. But now as time moves on, it only seems to have gotten worse.
I suppose I’m being a little mellow dramatic here. But given my current physical state, it’s no exaggeration that I could use a little break. Yesterday I had to make another sixty mile round trip to yet another doctor’s appointment. This time to hear the test results and assessment from last week’s blood work. The news was the usual mixed bag of good and bad. But the hematologist was satisfied I wouldn’t keel over any time soon. But she did mention I looked very tired and that I should get some rest (insert eye roll). Like I said, I quit writing for a few days and the above paragraph is a good indicator as to why. My center of empathy is shot to hell. It’s probably best I not allow myself any human contact for a while on an empathetic level. It would be easy for me to say I just need some rest. But when the tension of responsibility is staring you in the face. Rest and decompression are usually the last things you’re going to get. So as with most anything I’ll simply ride out this wave of anxiety and rage, by turning on my trusty autopilot. It’s not much of a plan, but as a caregiver with loads of baggage of my own. It’s the best plan I can come up with. So for any of you feeling the same way, believe me I understand.  Well it’s only been a few days since our latest grandchild was born. But she’s already seen… well, heard the wrath of my anxiety attacks. After a number years of being able keep my anxiety demons at bay, they exploded in a big way. Without dwelling of the politics of it, I was out of line with some people. Thankfully though our grandbaby seemed unfazed by the incident. Preferring instead to focused on the ride home and getting fed.
I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder back in 1999, along with Panic Disorder, Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, with a good dose of clinical depression. Over the years I’ve chronicled my adventures, from the first time I had a panic attack as a correctional officer. To the moments where I was so paralyzed by fear I couldn’t get out of bed. Surely but slowly I’ve gotten better by using medication, therapy, and mindfulness training to keep my fears in check. But my fears have gotten the best of me yet again. So it’s needless to say, I’ll be going on yet another apology tour with my family. But for the moment I’m just going to lay low and take it easy. That’s because my mental health has always had a direct effect on my physical health. So I need to give myself some time to heal. These have been some of the worst episodes of anxiety I’ve had in a while. So I’ll be checking in with my PCP next week and let her know what’s going on. Till then I’m taking it easy, running simple errands and taking care of the house. It’s not really the running around that stresses me, as much as the vibe I can pick up off others. But peace is found in the unassuming and knowing when to let go.  Had to go to the store this morning to pick up everything my family forgot to tell me to pick at the store yesterday. Feeling a bit hungry, I picked me up a long stick of cheap jerky. I figured since I gave up drinking, dope smoking, tobacco smoking, and caffeine. I’d treat myself to a stick of cheap jerky with ingredients listed on the wrapper I dare not read. I enjoyed it for a minute, although the casing tasted a little like a petroleum product (plastic). And it took a half a glass of tea with lemon to wash the greasy flavor out my mouth.
It would be real easy for me to live in a world full of regret. From the piss poor choices I made as a teenager, to the even pissier poor choices I’ve made as an adult. But I got no one to blame but myself for most of the things life has handed me. So I could either go around mulligrubbing about it or sit around acting like I’m mad with the world. Neither way I would recommend, considering the end results I’ve endured. So what should I do? You may ask. Well after a lifetime of anger and hidden regret. I accumulated a belly full of poisonous waste that lived inside of me. While on the outside I seemed okay. Inside I was just a twisted mess of abuse and misery, which all came to a head one September morning. It's been over 25 years since I started grasping at the straws that have brought me to this point. Where I have learned that it all starts with forgiveness. Forgiveness not only to yourself, but also for persons and situations that created you. I could do easily still be mad at the things I see around me. The potential lost, the direction my world js going. But you know what, despite all the depression and piss poor luck, I still the power to change things. And so I have, through understanding, awareness, and forgiveness. I try and do better and yes, there’s still a lot things I can improve. But until you take that first step, fear is all you’ll see. |
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October 2025
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