Grasping at Straws

Had to go to the store this morning to pick up everything my family forgot to tell me to pick at the store yesterday. Feeling a bit hungry, I picked me up a long stick of cheap jerky. I figured since I gave up drinking, dope smoking, tobacco smoking, and caffeine. I’d treat myself to a stick of cheap jerky with ingredients listed on the wrapper I dare not read. I enjoyed it for a minute, although the casing tasted a little like a petroleum product (plastic). And it took a half a glass of tea with lemon to wash the greasy flavor out my mouth.

It would be real easy for me to live in a world full of regret. From the piss poor choices I made as a teenager, to the even pissier poor choices I’ve made as an adult. But I got no one to blame but myself for most of the things life has handed me. So I could either go around mulligrubbing about it or sit around acting like I’m mad with the world. Neither way I would recommend, considering the end results I’ve endured. So what should I do? You may ask. Well after a lifetime of anger and hidden regret. I  accumulated a belly full of poisonous waste that lived inside of me. While on the outside I seemed okay. Inside I was just a twisted mess of abuse and misery, which all came to a head one September morning.
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It's been over 25 years since I started grasping at the straws that have brought me to this point. Where I have learned that it all starts with forgiveness. Forgiveness not only to yourself, but also for persons and situations that created you. I could do easily still be mad at the things I see around me. The potential lost, the direction my world js going. But you know what, despite all the depression and piss poor luck, I still the power to change things. And so I have, through understanding, awareness, and forgiveness. I try and do better and yes, there’s still a lot things I can improve. But until you take that first step, fear is all you’ll see.