Sitting in the backyard letting my pills settle down, I feel the humidity seeking back in. The gnats are back in force but there is a little bit of a breeze blowing. Gearing up for what will be a busy few days, I was hoping for a day off. But my oldest has other plans so I’ll be running errands for her this afternoon. But I really shouldn’t complain, life still has it’s moments of genuine calm and peace of mind. 

Lately I’ve been empathizing the importance of finding peace in our lives. I for one, wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for discovering the calmness of nature. Taking the time to listen to what nature teaches is critical in establishing both faith and mindfulness. After moving from Savannah Georgia in 1994, it was my Uncle Mack that first taught me about the importance of listening to nature. No matter how much my mother threated about her brother’s salvation. Mack was probably one of the most spiritual man I knew. 
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An avid outdoorsman, he would often call the woods his cathedral. Sometimes he would just sit in his deer stand and do nothing but listen. I make no excuse for the fact he was an ethical hunter and fisherman. What he shot we ate, rather it was deer, wild hogs, squirrels, or rabbit. He had no tolerance for unethical or trophy hunters and would most definitely let them know. My point for all this is, stand by your convictions. Don’t be afraid to learn from those who earn your respect. Nature was mankind’s first teacher, to think otherwise is simply foolishness. So respect life, respect other’s opinions, listen compassionately, and debate civilly. 

Just got through with some business in town and I’m finally getting a minute to enjoy the breeze under the shade of a sycamore tree. I’m catching the smell of something sweet behind me. Maybe the fragrance of an autumn flower. I stopped over at my daughters to check on George. I got him some chicken nuggets and some fries. I know I shouldn’t, but he’s one of the grandbabies I like to spoil. Now I’m back home in my rocker with a sweet tea in my hand, listening to nature, while listening to the drone of mankind. 

The world sounds so much better when you’re not apart of it. No deadlines or obligations to keep. No rush, rush, rush like you’re in some kind of hurry. My lifestyle doesn’t offer many material perks, but it often makes up for it in contentment and peace of mind. Years ago, I used to be so jealous of my family and friends. Always driving a new truck or car, going on wonderful trips, and living in homes I could never afford.
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I think those days and I have to laugh at myself. Not only because of my petty jealousy, but because my hypocritical behavior. You see for a very long time I’ve known the commandment about coveting (possessing) your neighbors’ stuff (Exodus 20:17). Even my Buddhist teachings emphasize the putting away of materialism. To unlearn that materialism isn’t the goal of walking a noble path. Too many times we are blinded by the gold of this world. Stopping us from seeing the true beauty of life. Much like John Lennon, I to stepped off the merry-go-round; and believe me the benefits certainly outweigh the loss. All I’m asking is, when you look at your own life, are you living a life of peace? Or a life filled with stress and despair?  

It’s not usual for me to dream of friends and family long gone. To conjure up ghost from my past to delivery me messages or words of encouragement. Last night I dreamed of my mother. I suppose it came from the lengthy conversation me and my oldest had earlier. I fixed her a pot of chicken and dumplings, one of my mom’s signature recipes. And she was razzing me about how it was almost as good as Granny’s. 

As a kid, my mom always washed her hair and ours in the kitchen sink. My mom always had hard sharp nails, which I always found very soothing on my scalp. So in my dream I was washing my mom’s hair. She didn’t speak much but I noticed she wasn’t much older than she was when she passed. While oddly enough, I was the age in which I am today. I remember telling her as I rinsed the soap out of her salt and pepper hair. That we were going to be the same age soon and that it wouldn’t be too long before I’d be older than her. She just smiled while she laid there.
 
I’ve thought long and hard about that dream. Trying to dig up some nugget of information my sub-conscience was trying telling me. The subject of death comes up a lot in my conversations. Too often as my family likes to point out. But when faced with parents that died at a fairly young from pretty much the same illnesses you currently suffer. The thought does cross your mind. I like to think of these things as a reminder of the fallibility in which we all live. 
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Instead of thinking of death in it’s most fearful of terms. I take it as a positive. In that being aware of my current physical state keeps me conscious of the responsibility I have to live life each and every day. Too often we let the things that make us the happiest slip through our fingers. Simple things like texting a heart emoji to a friend or stopping by your daughter’s and eating supper, even if you weren’t hungry. We worry about our own little bubbles so much we forget the greater truth. That memories make up the fabric of who we are. Good or bad, the legacy we leave behind forms the impressions that shape the here and now. 

It’s the first day after the fall equinox, and for the first time since spring, we are getting a small taste of cool weather. So I just had to come outside and enjoy it. There’s a crisp smell to the air, despite every diesel log truck in the county driving by. But I can’t blame them, the last several days of off and on rain definitely slows down business. So I just sit here waiting on the laundry to get done so it can be hung out. 

Our existence can be a complicated thing. We rail on about the environment, yet we clog our streets with more and more traffic. We fuss and fight about our rights, yet lack any compassion for anyone else’s beliefs. Human existence hinges on our instinct to survive. By the very laws of nature we are wired to put self first. But though the evolution of our cognitive development. We’ve learned that compassion and empathy can also lead to the benefit of the whole. Meaning that together we can all thrive and survive.
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Listen, the world’s gonna turn rather we’re here or not. And while the Christian Bible calls for us to take dominion of the earth (Genesis 1: 26-28). That doesn’t give us the all clear the kill and trash it. I may believe I have the right to live in filth and squalor. But my neighbors and the laws that we abide by, may say otherwise. Freedom isn’t a one-size-fits-all thing. It’s a responsibly to those around you. Yes, you can complain and yes you can protest. But when you seek to violate the rights of others. Then who’s really enjoying the fruits of all our labor?

Just sitting here listening to the rushing water over the dam. As boats pull in and out with folks fishing and riding the water. I’m just sitting here all by myself taking in the sights, waiting for the pontoon boat pulls away with it’s smelly gas tank. The lovebugs are a gathering about as the clouds built for another rainy afternoon.

An old school bass fisher pulls off from the shore taking the grandbabies for a ride. It’s moments like this I enjoy sharing, with no Ill words with nothing but common ground found. Again I bring up the subject of commonality while the headline makers stir trouble and descent.

So while the wake of the boats slap the shore, I’m taken back to another time. A time when I would watch the water and listen to the stories told around a cup of coffee and a lawn chair. Feeding my head with the grace of God, the gift of freedom, and listening to what nature has to say. 

For the last number of years, I’ve entered a new phase of my existence. Where materially the world means nothing and the word possession carries little if any weight. Some 20 years ago, I initially turned to the Buddhist practice of mindfulness, in order to find relief from my mental health struggles. As other physical and mental health issues followed, my reliance on Zen practices grew. While embracing the practice of noble truths, the mindset of contentment and the shedding of material desire; they have become a great influence on my physical and spiritual wellbeing.

I rediscovered the simple pleasures of life. The simple act of being there for family and friends. Letting go of hurt and grievance. Worrying less and less about material possession. All while being able to listen compassionately and remain aware. I’ll be the first one to tell you I am not proficient at any of these practices, but I am trying. I suppose my reason for bringing any of this up is the sadness and outright anger I see on display in today’s world. 
While privately I have my outburst of anger and disappointment with others. Within my inner being I still mourn for those that choose not to see the obvious. The ones that would rather “go down with the ship”, than admit a wrong or sacrifice for the greater good.
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Still it’s ironic that when confronted face to face, these angry individuals are usually quite kind. To the point of even contradicting there own anger words. I suppose the thing is, what do you value? Are growth and decency towards others too much to bear? Is the dogma in which you were exposed so unbending, that it contradicts it’s own truths? My life is too short for all of this. I’ve visited the edge of existence far too many times just to be that bitter. All I ask is that you think about your beliefs and how in sync they are with how you truly feel. 

I’m finally getting a chance to catch my breath. After three days of go, go, go. Several trips to my daughter’s, a dozen phone calls, errands, and two back-to-back doctor appointments; I’m ready to sit down. Back in the day this was nothing, I’d work and go to school all night, come home watch our youngest son. Wait for the inevitable home call to either calm down or pick our autistic son up from school. Catch a nap when I could, pick up Lisa from the training center, then drag the two girls off to softball, basketball, or cheerleading practice. Let’s not forget fixing supper, then taking my long nap in the afternoon and early evening before work.
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Like I’ve said before, none of this is to toot my own horn. Believe me, I’m as imperfect as they come when it comes to parenthood and caregiving. But you do what gotta do. A many a times you have read about how tiring and lonely this whole thing can be. And that is still true. At the moment I’m outside watching blue skies turn grey. Still it does me good that Buffy feels safe enough with me to just lay down and sleep. That as a caregiver is a feeling, I wish everyone can feel. Knowing that you have done a good enough job, as to where you are appreciated, no matter how much of an asshole you can be. 

Scars heal from liquid, to scabs, to harden skin. Closing the wound, but never really in the same way. We run through life covered with scars, some big, some small; but they all leave an indelible mark. Settling into a routine is simply a way life. For me routines are hard to give up once they are ingrained. Over the last twenty years, I’ve had to move from one routine to the next. All due to life altering health issues.

Two decades ago, it was my mental health. Just when things were coming together for me and my family. A new job, a brand-new home, my world came chasing in. This lead to a years long odyssey of finding myself again. All while dragging my family along for the ride. I don’t know if I’m expressing my experience well enough. But the shame, the envy, and the frustration were and still are hard to bear. 

But once I felt like life was finally coming back together, my world changed yet again. After many years of living an unhealthy lifestyle along with the stress of my mental health issues. My heart had finally had enough. So with that have come six years of victories and defeats. Oddly enough through all this, I discovered that nothing really matters but what happens today. Through my mindfulness training and having to stare fear straight in the eye. A lot of the anxiety and frustration left me after that initial heart attack. 
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Even with the other health issues I currently have like my permanently damaged heart. The ever-present atrial fibrillation and muscular weakness. And of course, let’s not forget about my ongoing digestive issues. Despite whatever new thing interrupts of life, I eventually understand that I must live each moment as it comes. Despite the setbacks and the frustration, through it all, wounds heal.  

I find peace on this old weathered park bench. A brief respite from a world of endless decisions and walking on eggshells. I never thought life would stay this complicated. That every single decision would rest in my hands. Yet here I am, looking for any excuse just to get away and be on my own. I suppose I’m just being ungrateful for the life I have, the control it brings. But honestly, I’d trade it all to just live on my own terms and to have the freedom that alone gives 

To be surrounded by need is not a blessing, it is a burden I wouldn’t wish on anyone. When someone calls you a good caregiver, it only reminds you of the yoke you have to bear. God, I know this sounds bitter, like a selfish man wishing to live a spoiled life. But I can’t help myself but to think this way. Years of one-way conversations and the constant anger directed towards life. Makes all the work you put in seem pointless.
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So I write this in solitude surrounded by the silence of the water, boats pulling up to the ramp, and the popping of acorns under truck tires. The effortless motion of the waves, pulls me back to a time when things were a lot simpler. But just as the waves beat along the shore, the endless erosion reminds me of how the spirit pulls away. Leaving exposed roots of a life lived in servitude. 

This is the first time I’ve open my Word app in three days. I think that maybe a record for me. I mean, after all I usually got something stupid to say every day. Anyway, we got back from our little vacation yesterday. But during the drive home I got so nauseated, I thought I was going to have to pull over. The whole time we were gone I felt fine. My digestive tract was on its best behavior, and I slept well. The only deviation from my normal routine was having to eat out every day. Anyway, the ride home and the rest of the evening was spent saying hello to my old friend in the back of the house. I know this doesn’t make for exciting vacation talk, but it’s the best I can do. 

The whole time we were there I simply watched as my wife Lisa walk along the shore and dug up seashells. I didn’t have much of an agenda going on other than to snap a few pics and enjoy the scenery. Our time there was nice I really enjoyed the quiet and the total lack of tourist. My goal was to just to tune out for a few days. And while I may have spent too much money on the hotel and overpriced food, it was nice not to worry about everyday shit for a while. 
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 Well, that’s about it. I’m still in chill mood despite my digestive overflow. I guess the moral of this tale is that every so often you just got to shut your brain down. That the worry, confusion, and the “what if’s” of life can really drag you down. At the moment I’m doing alright, I got a few errands to run later. I’m hoping to maybe go out to the park and chill. Listen I totally understand how this world demands so much of us. Remember in a consumer driven society it’s your attention and desire that grease the wheels. Mindfulness teaches us life is more than work and consumption. It’s also about breathing and listening and having an attitude of appreciation. So don’t be embarrassed if you’re not inspired or motivated. It just maybe your soul sending you a message.