Blog Archives - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

Carried by Many

12/26/2023

I’m feeling a little under the weather today. For the last few days I haven’t been sleeping well. I also have a sore throat and a little congestion. I blame it on this really damp weather we’ve been having of late more so then anything. So at the moment I’m laying here in the bed, with the TV quietly offering me a little background noise. I spent most my Christmas Day chilling and watching football. We got all our family stuff out of the way on Sunday. That way the kids got to spend Christmas Day with their own little families.

Until the grandkids come along Christmas used to be such a bittersweet holiday for me. With four small kids and an extremely limited income. Christmas was always a struggle for us since moving up here. Depending on family and charity to provide the bulk of my children’s Christmas not only was it embarrassing, but it also fueled the resentment and envy I carried. It’s taken me a really long time to work through those emotions. But often, especially during the holidays those same emotions come creeping back into my heart and mind.

But through awareness I’ve learned to sense when those emotions pop up. But as usual I’ll mask those feelings externally with a smile. Feelings of inadequacy are emotions that often stifle potential. It’s funny how the inside voices of abuse can turn even the most benign look or gesture into a piercing arrow. That rips all potential from the most fragile of hearts. It’s an emotion that I still carry. It's an emotion I see carried by many. Instead of me hyping you up like a bad sales meeting fueling on Red Bull and desperation. Let me just say, “I understand “. Awareness, forgiveness, determination are just three of the many techniques one can use. Not only to find peace with yourself, but with your situation.

Heading Out Early

12/24/2023

You can’t get much better than this for a December morning. Right now it’s sunny and a brisk 52° f, with the high today going up to 72°. Being that it’s such a nice morning, I thought I’d go ahead and come outside before the gnats woke up. I also went ahead and got what little laundry we had done and put it out on the clothesline. The highway is a little active for a weekend but after all this is Christmas weekend. So I assume many are taking advantage of the nice weather and heading out early.

Our plans are to meet up at our youngest daughter’s house Sunday afternoon. That gives our two girls the chance to have Christmas morning with their own families. It sounds a little funny the say, “with their own families “. But with time one family unit eventually breaks into more family units, and that’s just the way it is. I’ve grown comfortable watching our family dynamic change. I mean our kids always know we are here for them. Still I’m begrudgingly getting used to being left out of the loop when every day events occur.

Technically me and my bribe aren’t empty nesters. We still have the boys clanging to the comfort of having room, laundry, and occasional restaurant service. But they keep to themselves and have their own private business outside the home. So it’s mostly just me and Lisa, but even we have our own separate interest beyond the home. Not sure what I’m trying to get at here, other than I’m watching the passing of time. Marveling at how one generation, turns into another, and yet again into another. For being considered such a loud mouth. It’s funny now taking on the role of the secret observer, and the documenter of time.

Here's Reality

12/21/2023

I’ll try and not bore you with any of the details, but it’s nearly four in the morning and I’m wide awake. I would love to say that it was the “Lawd” that spoke to me in a dream that woke me up. But it was a more primal urge that hobbled me out of bed, through the living room, across the kitchen, down the back porch, to the laundry room, and into the bathroom. (Think twice before moving into a 100+ year old house

Me and my bride are both wide awake, the tuxedo cat is curled up next to her on the bed, while the calico’s apparently outside hunting breakfast. On these cold soon to be winter nights I used to pine away at the keyboard. Thinking that somehow I could solve the world's problems with a clever quip or two. Instead I lay here buried under three blankets and a sheet, while my bride's hot flashes keep me warm. But there’s no disguising the disappointment you can feel in oneself, when life’s troubles nail you in the head with its realities.

But it's important to speak of such things. Maybe not in such an open forum as I do. I often speak in the first person to demonstrate the power of awareness and of forgiveness. You see, I’ve pretty much come to terms with the fact I’m not as strong as I used to be. That I’ll never solve many of the world’s problems, let alone most of my own. But that’s okay, just as long as I can shine a little light on my own space. I may have not been very successful in a worldly sense. But I’ve held the brass ring on a few occasions and they shine as bright as the sun. Reality is never about the brightest or the fastest. It’s about the most consistent and determined of us to love.

Beyond Ourselves

12/19/2023

If you are anything like myself, you don’t really enjoy passing along bad news, especially about yourself. In what could be called a southern tradition. Me and any number of my friends or family members, would often get together and see who could “out poor the other”. Growing up around the kitchen table, it was nothing to hear the grown folks pour out their troubles over a glass of sweet tea and a full ashtray. Confessing their sins and pouring out their hearts about any given situation.

As I grew older I’ve done my share of pouring out my troubles to friends and family. But after moving up here to Central Georgia I lost a lot of my support network back home in Savannah. But I had one particular relative whom I did find solace with. Sitting at his kitchen table, we’d smoke, drink coffee, and tell each other our health or financial troubles. It got to the point where became a game of “out poor-ing” each other, as opposed to outpouring. But either way it always felt good to laugh and leave our troubles at the table.

I maybe repeating myself by telling this old story. But when I look at my phone and see the faces of long gone family and friends whose numbers I dare not delete. I’m reminded of just how small my circle has gotten. And while a great number of you may say, “Oh, you know you could just call me”. How many of us really believe that? In a world of emojis and likes, where has the kitchen table gone. I’m sure younger generations don’t really know what I’m talking about. But not so many years ago I was one of you, with many of my own “ride or dies”. But with the passing of time, you hear less and less of that laughter and conversation, and a lot more the silence of time. I don’t mean to sound so depressed it’s just sad that we give so little time beyond ourselves.

Sanctuary

12/16/2023

Don’t ask me why, but I’m sitting outside this early in the morning. Especially with a steady breeze blowing out of the south and it only being 41°. I know, I know I’m a damn fool to be sitting here. But the last two beautiful days I spent either running errands or recouping from physical therapy. So I figure I better get out here before the storms of this weekend hit.

I’ll do just about anything to keep from being inside. At times our house can be downright noisy, with TV’s blaring and distractions one has to face when being a caregiver. So the outside despite the cold becomes my sanctuary. My late Uncle Mack felt the same way. A lot of times when we were hunting, I think despite the cold, he enjoyed just sitting in the stand more than anything. He often spoke about nature as being his church. A sentiment that over the years I’ve learned to appreciate.

So to tie this all up in a pretty bow I’ll say, appreciate the moments you are given. Try and not hide behind the bitterness you collected from the past. When looking into the future you may see worries, because that’s what fear wants it to turn out to be. Being a cynic from a generation of cynics, I have to relearn a lot of lessons every day. So take sanctuary where you can get it and learn to appreciate the moments of peace as they come.

Somewhere Between...

12/14/2023

Sitting somewhere between dread and minor anticipation. My mind can’t help but fear the upcoming months of travel and appointments that await me. With my bride beginning a new round of testing upstate at the University Hospital. I not looking forward to the driving and expense of those multiple trips. I myself thought I would be finished for a while with doctor visits and physical therapy, but apparently I’m now booking appointments into June. There are a lot of “what ifs” at this point I could state right now. But regret only stirs broken emotions, if they are not forgiven.

So I sit out here letting the cool wind calm my mind of all the troubles heading my way. Concentrating instead on the spark of this near perfect December day. Observing the tumbling leaves and the distant call of Life marching by. While I’m a piss poor example of how to live an enlightened life. It’s through that imperfection that I can practice my faith. That in my own weird way I can see and understand how the chaos of this world scrambles my wiring.

But yet in my pursuit of peace of mind, I have discovered a path that leads me on. To many I’m a loud obnoxious asshole they’d just assume not be near. To others I’m a kind a loving friend. Whatever your option of me all I can do is the best I can in any given situation. So here I sit with the least amount of outside I have. Breathing quietly throwing away any grand schemes of greatness. Taking in my surroundings, hoping for the best, but prepping for the worst. I can’t help it, it’s in my nature. Coming to terms with your faults is a peaceful step towards enlightenment.

I Had to Laugh

12/12/2023

There are some ironies in life that are just too funny to ignore. Yesterday afternoon I went to my six month checkup with my long time cardiologist. Anything was fine but on the way back home, I found myself in the back of a slow moving pile of cars. . It wasn’t until I noticed the cars in the other lane pulling over that I discovered I was at the end of a funeral procession. As we came up on a hill I could then see a Hearse leading the parade. As morbid as it may sound, the irony was not lost on me…so I had to laugh.

It's been seven years since I dodged that first bullet. After about a week of what I thought was excruciating heartburn. I finally came as close to death as I possible could and just before I weaved out of consciousness I called an ambulance. Needless to say after several more hospital visits and a few operations later, there I was laughing in the back of my eventual future. But not today. Today my heart is about as good as it’s going to get. I quit smoking, drinking, and lost 135 lbs. Now I’ve outlived my parents by two years. And I’m at the point where I can focus on other ailments brought on by my sinful living.

But don’t worry my face reminds me every day the abuse I’ve heaped upon myself. But as I work through each and every physical and mental ailment. I’m learning that there’s no point in worrying about the future, no more than the past. Because what’s done is done and that the future is created by the actions you take now. Impulse is often a good thing, but only if you are truly aware of what’s going on around you. So take care of yourself and don’t be afraid of irony that surrounds you.

The Last of the Leaves

12/10/2023

I didn’t come outside with the intention to write anything. My intention was to enjoy some sunshine and listen to the last of leaves to fall. If you’ve never been anywhere where you are able to listen to nature do her thing. Then I truly feel sorry for you. Even here in this quiet little hamlet tucked away in the middle of the woods, one can choose to listen to the noise of the day. Anything from the passing sound of a log truck or a speeding SUV. You can allow the everyday racket of the day to distract you.

Even the most Buddhist among us can be distracted by the every day business of life. Eating, working, resting, going to the bathroom. But in all that they take moments to center themselves to focus and breathe. Even in the Christian faith we are instructed to do things as into the Lord (Colossians 3:23-24). To center ourselves and focus on the task at hand. I just jumped out of the shower after a frustrating morning. I smell the scented soap on my skin. I feel the smoothness of my face where I shaved. A dog barks wantingly down the street. The comforter Lisa washed is flapping on the line.

The years dust my face in my 61st year. And it seems that with each new day a new ailment appears. As my children grow older I see more and more little pieces of myself and their mother as they age. It is funny to be raised as if our youth will never die. Yet the maturity we saw in our grandparents sorta skipped a generation in our own parents. So focused on wealth and material things. Growing up I was privileged to the rest of the world. Yet that privilege never grew. It drove a hard wedge into us, leaving an incredibly bad taste. So pull back into the spiritual. Rethinking priorities and the things that are important. Writing was not my intention, but giving and appreciating is.

Compassion

12/9/2023

This is one of those days where you just assume to sit in the sun. It’s currently 51°f and not a cloud in the sky. I was spoiled rotten the last two days at a hotel on the beach. It may have been cold and windy outside, in the room it was nice and toasty, with plenty of hot water. It was my bride and I’s 36th wedding anniversary. And as usual we took a day trip to the beach to Jekyll Island Georgia. Lisa collects seashells for her art, so she spends her time picking up shells and sand dollars. While I just sit and meditate, take pictures, and write.

We spend a tremendous amount of time together due to Lisa’s disabilities. So our beach time is our one outside the home times to pursue different activities, while still being within earshot of each other. I’m not much on describing our relationship, because with any long term relationship things change. We both require a lot of alone time. Mostly due to the fact we are totally different people. Since the kids are grown, our priorities have changed our relationship between each other has changed. It doesn’t mean we don’t care about each other, but the passions have changed.

The idea of some eternal love is something I see a lot of couples struggle to maintain. I believe ours is more of a mutual partnership, where we benefit from each other’s gifts. While at times we get very frustrated with one another. There’s no holding back with our honesty we give each other. I’ve seen couples fall apart and disintegrate due to health or financial issues. With us that could have happened a thousand times over. But we both very much live in the real world. So we understand love and unity come in many forms. Meaning passion and fire aren’t always the most important of those qualities, but compassion is.

Think About It

12/4/2023

Think About It

It’s raining like cats and dogs outside, so I’m taking time to catch up on my social media. Just saying hello or giving a thumbs-up to those who may need it. I guess I’m fortunate in a way that my current situation affords me time to do such things. I don’t move around much other than my frequent trips to the doctor or running errands. I suppose I could stay bitter about my current situation and sometimes I am. But in the grand scheme of things, it’s better on me both physically and emotionally, to just appreciate these quiet moments as they come.

In real time I’m pretty much a jerk. I say shit that my small circle take as cruel or heartless. My only excuse is that it’s my defense mechanism that was bred in me from an early age. Listen I’m really trying to do better, but after a good 50 years of conditioning, don’t expect any overnight miracles. But when I get time between doing everything a stressed out caregiver is required to do. I take moments like this to be grateful and kind. That’s where my writing comes in.

Recently I made a smart ass comment on a friend’s post. I assume my friend only saw it as me just being me. But apparently over 2600 of her followers thought I was heartless and a cad to say the least. Most were the general responses of, you are a jerk. Others turned around and attacked me personally, while one was wishing for my quick demise…seriously. I simply hearted each response, except for the death one, to say yes I agree. I suppose I could say I’m sorry for my often shitty attitude. But then I’d spend the rest of my days on an apology tour. I guess the thing is, we are complicated creatures. Prone to fallibility and just plain f*cking up. But at the same time we are also capable of utter beauty and untold compassion. Think about it.