Searching for greater meaning can often be a fool’s folly. For all we have is what is right in front of us. Oh, we can change bad habits or make improvements in our standing. But I truly feel we are who we are. I guess what I’m trying to say is, all the power to improve or get worse lies deep within ourselves. 
I grew being told that I was flawed. That I had sinned and come short of God’s love (Romans 3:23 paraphrased). So for a great deal of my life I felt unworthy of love and was doomed to a life of misery. Even though Christian teaching gives a way out through “grace”. It still didn’t calm my soul’s paranoia that somewhere I would slip up and burn in hell. So I spent the bulk of my life walking on eggshells worried that no matter what I had done, it still wasn’t good enough.
 
The thing that I eventually discovered was, that in order to accept myself, I had to learn to love myself. In my Christian upbringing denial of one’s self is key to living a “righteous life”. Some would say my thought process here is flawed, but it is what it is. But for me to find peace I had to learn to embrace and love myself, flaws and all. Most of my life I hated myself. I hated myself physically, mentally, I hated my habits, basically anything. So no matter the amount of “grace and “forgiveness” I was given. I still hated myself.
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My point here is not to step on anyone’s belief system. As stated, this is about me. All I ask is that you listen to cries that come from within. Far too often we compensate for the misery we feel by giving of our whole selves to others or by drowning our sorrows in destructive behavior. Believe me I know. Until I learn to face yourself, listen compassionately to my pain, and learn to let go; I was never be truly happy. Life is more than just giving; it’s about receiving as well.      

Creativity is such a fickle lover, moving in and out of our lives on a whim. While I didn’t consider myself much of an artist, I still see inspiration move in and out of my life. Either giving me moments of creativity or drought. I prefer to write in the short story format, first because I don’t have much of an attention span. And secondly, because it allows me to throw bursts of spontaneity into my work. I guess you could say I’m a, “throw it against the wall to see if it sticks”, kinda guy. 

But seriously that is nothing new, most artist of today find solace in the idea of spontaneity. Creating from what the moment brings. It’s funny for me to say these things, because I was such a planning. On a number of projects I worked on, I’d usually end taking the lead as project manager. A job I accepted timidly, but soon learned to relish.
 
But since my health scare and its aftereffects, I’ve taken a long hard look at my life. What I concluded was that some wholesale changes had to be made. While I thrived on many aspects of project planning, at the same time it was killing me. Maybe I should be more specific in saying is that my lifestyle and mental health habits were killing me. What I required was a complete turn around in my thinking and my physical habits. While a lot of damage was done, it was up to me to turn things around.
 
The eventual solution came by returning to my first love writing. While therapy and medication helped, it was my discovery of mindfulness and meditation that put me on my road back to finding myself. The idea of living in the moment brought a certain degree of peacefulness. It let me know that living in the here and now is where I truly needed to be. Worrying so much about the next moment brought on such anxiety and stress that it nearly killed me.
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In the world in which I currently live, I maybe a lot poorer, but my mind is clearer and more focused than ever. I have written thousands of short stories and hundreds poems. I’ve become more in tune with nature and the world around me. I have more patience and compassion for others. In general am thriving in a world led by spontaneity. It allows to explore places in my mind I once feared to tread, adding to the peacefulness I feel. You may not feel like you are an artist, but we all live in a world of performance and net value. But how much easier would it be to place more value on your true self and on those that surround you.        

Some finches are out chirping around the bird feeder. I can hear the school bus drive by as it heads to school. Looks like it’s going to be another Indian Summer day here in late October. I got a load of laundry going, while I sit here pecking at this keyboard. Life around here can get pretty dull; I wish I could say it was more exciting. But in all honesty, I don’t think my body could take it. 

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to bore you with my pitiful existence. But these are the plain unflowering truths that come out of my mouth. No beautiful imagery or clever lines, just me pushing through another day. I wish I had more positive things to say, but at the moment my digestive issues are going full throttle. After going through all the mental health issues, then the heart thing. You’d think life would be done fucking with me. But I am wrong. 

I’ve come to the conclusion that all these digestive issues are stress based. These last few months have been extremely stressful affecting me mentally and manifesting itself physically. It’s happened many times before over the last 20 years. The sleepless nights, the irritation, the anger, the fear. All leading to stress induced physical issues. 
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It seems no matter what I do mindfulness training, therapy, medication; I can’t seem to shake this damn thing. My medical doctors are at a loss, all they seem to be able to do is treat the symptoms. I’d go back to therapy, but the cost and the total lack of mental health funding makes that impossible. I really don’t mean to dump all this on you, but life is what it is…pretty dull.       

I stare out the window, the same old scene I see every day. A garden, a church, a pecan tree. Each in their own way a bit timeless, each in their own way changing. I’m working from the laptop today my word software is easier to work from the laptop. But I do miss the more causal feel of my phone app. Life feels so temporary sometimes, maybe it’s because my life isn’t so much doing as being.
 
I guess I could just hoe the grass out of the turnips or rake around the back porch. Instead here I sit holding my hands in prayer and punching these keys. What messages am I sending? What is my purpose? My focus? I always dreamed of a life of speaking, yet here I sit telling stories to no one.
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Partially fixed in this purgatory, doing what my heart tells me to do. Living out dreams I only once imagined. Writing words that have touched a few. But is it fulfilling enough? Am I doing all that I could? Too many questions for a mind, it’s time to clear out the thoughts. Allowing myself to breathe, to hone my skills, to tell my tale. For no matter what we do, isn’t worth it if the passion doesn't shine through.   

In a world obsessed with selling us a better life. I find myself blinded by the advertising. Believing that if I only had this or that, my life would be complete. Neglecting the fact that only being in the moment is the true path. So we worry about tomorrow, without seeing today. We worry about yesterday, without living in the now. Lost in a sea of useless information. We look for the next distraction to pull us from our pain. 

I lay here this morning regretting past mistakes. Blaming myself without any chance for forgiveness. It’s a pattern I’ve repeated over and over. A vicious cycle of self-destruction and endless shame. That makes it hard to appreciate the victories that come my way. I try and stay engaged with the world around me. But often I feel like such a hypocrite, encouraging and cheering on others, while wallowing in a sea of my own self-pity.
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I suppose I could revert back to my old MO of ignoring the problem. Sweeping the emotions into a corner, till the stench gets too strong. But my past is documented all too well as to how that method works. Good, bad, or ugly we have to face our situations. Accept them for what they are and move on. To stop looking at what the world calls the “gold standard” for happiness. For the things that make me happy aren’t necessarily what makes you happy. So please don’t look at me with envy, thinking I have all the answers. Let’s just appreciate the gifts we each bring and be grateful for the love we share.  

I dreamed of friendly neighbors sharing the bounty of their work. Of victory gardens and kind words, of diversity and shared values. Yet I see faces turn to stone, beliefs that have overcome our humanity. And signs of respect melting into cold hatred. I have often said I was a dreamer, witnessing a world losing its grace. But to not be hypocritical, I to have my moments of intolerance and ire.

We are all human capable of great good and evil. Yet we often justify our reactions with our own feelings of inadequacy. By making targets of those weaker than ourselves. How convenient it is to pry on the weak. An instinct born of our need to survive. We should be wiser than that, but our weapons of war and death say otherwise.
 
Growing up only to be torn down, I relied on my wits to survive. A skill that has somewhat served me well. But buried deep within me are still the scars, the pain of those hateful words. So I learned to make peace with myself. Not with false bravado, but with forgiveness and action. Yet I claim no mantle of brilliance. I’m just a man living one moment at a time. 
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But I still have more evolving to do, more tendencies towards hate to overcome. For I am not perfect, just someone doing my best. Forgiveness is our first step towards redemption. Not only of those we wronged, but of ourselves. Breathing in and out is one way. Listening, centering yourself, being in the moment are the ways I use. For life is the moment in which we are living. What better time than now to live it in peace. 

Well it’s cool enough and breezy enough that the damn gnats aren’t bothering me. (At least not yet.) The skies a pretty blue and except for a neighbor running a noisy ass lawnmower, it’s otherwise really nice. As you can see from my selfie, I haven’t washed my hair or put on any makeup. But out here in the backyard there aren’t too many to impress, other than a few squirrels and some mockingbirds. 

My mind has been really crowded the past few days. The worries of life and my feelings of helplessness have really been weighing me down. It’s been raining so I haven’t been able to go outside. So my breathing in nature has been relegated to sitting in the house and watching Natgeo.
 
But we all have our problems I suppose, at least there’s food in the refrigerator and the lights are still on. For some they are being forced to leave their homes or they are being exterminated due to their ethnicity. How can you justify killing another soul because of their color or faith in which they live? Maybe I’m just too New Agey or just too liberal. But even within the repressed, dogmatic religion in which I was raised, it says “love thy neighbor” and to “turn the other cheek”.
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I don’t know, maybe I should just stick to my own problems and let the rest worry about themselves. But how can I do that when I know we are all connected. The earth, the sky, myself, and even my noisy ass neighbor. The impact of one affects the many. Let’s all do our best to be a little more grateful and tolerant of the world around us and of the people that live in it.  

Who am I? For the most part we all have a pretty good idea of who we are. For some it’s the portrait of a father or a mother. For others it’s the portrait of a child. The portrait can change depending on the situation. In my life I’ve been all those things and more. I suppose what I’m really asking is, what do we see in ourselves? Are we assured and confident or are we fearful and afraid? I suppose the answer lies deep within each of us.
 
I see myself as a bit of a façade. Not so much a fake, just someone that wears a lot of disguises. Now most of us put up a front given the situation, because opening up and be one’s self is a really vulnerable thing. Within my writing I have found a refuge. A place that has become my saving grace.
 
For me, it’s all about letting go. My whole life I have internalized every negative emotion. Till eventually all that destructive energy just exploded. It took me a really long time to figure out how to open up the pressure valve. But once I did, I learn to let it go of all the negative emotion I carried within me. 
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Now I not saying I don’t still go through moments of anxiety and pain. It’s just that now I have a way of walking through it without imploding. Writing and mediation have been my relief. Your path to relief maybe different, but if you honestly at yourself and listen to your inner voice. Then then you will find the answers you need. Don’t let negative emotions rule your life. Life is all about balance, both good and bad. Find your center and be at peace. 

I know I talk a lot about overcoming the obstacles and how we shouldn’t let our disabilities rob us of our abilities. But the utter unpredictability of my current situation, has me bound with a chain. Heart wise I seem to be doing fine, no harm, no foul. But this is a new ailment that has slowly creeped up on me and pretty much taken over my life. I’ve spoken about it on the odd occasion, but now it’s really just pissing me off.
 
I can see opportunities coming up over the horizon. But this ailment has bound my hands, as much as my initial heart issues. The thing is till 2015 I worked my whole life. But just when I feel like dipping my toes back into the work pool again, Bam! I know, I know I should just let it go and flow with it; like I have on so many other occasions. But you know me, I’m not one to blow smoke up anyone’s ass. So I’ll be honest and say, I miss the daily grind of just being a normal person.
 
I know I should look at this as a growing period or some cosmic life lesson. But I’m just an ordinary guy, who tends to overthink things. I suppose if anything, I’m just tired and ready for a change. But I’m stuck here with what this life hands me, so I guess I’ll just “grin and bear it”. By continuing this journey of dropping my little words of “wisdom”. 

I suppose I could take some perverse pleasure in the fact that the world is just as lost as I am. But what good would that do? The best any of us can do is pause, reflect, and ask ourselves, “Am I where I want to be”? Then learn to find a little moments of joy in each moment we live. 

So it’s like three in the morning, my wife and I couldn’t sleep. We were worried about our kitten that just had surgery. Lying in bed I was showing her my Instagram feed and the various people I follow. Well, after about 15 minutes of me going on about each of these people and their posts. Lisa rolled over and went back to bed. It’s funny how after nearly 32 years of marriage, two people can still be together, yet be so vastly different.
 
I’ve been asked on a number of occasions, “What’s the secret to a long marriage?” To be honest, maybe the best answer is to find someone who will challenge you. Oh I know, hormones and horniness play a part. But I think longevity comes with challenges and fiery debate. Now I don’t mean fussing or arguing. I mean learning from each other, yet being your own person. 

Me and Lisa are two very different people, and frankly most of the time we prefer our own company. But we still have enough commonality and civility between us to continue our partnership. That may sound a bit clinical, but after 32 years attraction will only get you so far. Oh, we tire of each other, roll over when the other starts getting boring. But that’s okay.
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Marriage is a give and take, and sometimes the taking outweighs the giving. “Have I ever felt that way?”, you may ask. I’d be lying if I said no. You may also notice I didn’t say much about love. Well love is a slippery slope, it’s different things to different people. My definition of love maybe different than yours. It just all depends on what you give each other. So while the scales may seem tilted, there’s enough comfort to keep things going.