 Under the Shade - FD Thornton/Adobe Firefly I’ve barely had a chance to catch my breath on this beautiful breezy day. Between sorting out my wife’s medications for the week. To sorting out messages about more medications waiting at the pharmacy. I barely know if I’m coming or going. Used to this kind of stuff don’t bother me, but recently with my wife’s on going medical situations as well as my own. I find myself getting forgetful or remembering something one way when it actually happened differently. For a while I chalked it up to just stress, but lately it’s got me a little worried.
At the moment there’s a whippoorwill calling in the distance along with the sound of a fleet of Monday landscapers mowing down the street. I am finally getting a minute to sit under the fig bush to enjoy the warm breeze. After about 3 hours of running intrusive errands. Across the way three older EMC supervisors are challenging each other to see who’s more manly. Knowing good and damn well each of them are too full from lunch to even try. But sometimes we all got to bow-up like a rooster and see who can crow the loudest. But usually the loudest is the one with the most to prove. That’s a group I thing I can identify with the most. Even though I’m usually the hardest one to hear in this nosey ass world. But every once in a while, I gather up enough sense and know when to shut up. Although my children would definitely disagree. But like I said, I’m starting to notice the signs. The physical as well as the cognitive decline. But honestly it really doesn’t scare me as much as I thought it would. Maybe I’m just too tired to give a damn. In fact I got one youngin’ that’s hounding me getting some things done. Without considering the 9000 other things I’m already doing besides buying and fixing their meals. I just want a moment of peace under the shade. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.
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 Kelly Bejelly From the kitchen I can smell the pot of black eyed peas I am cooking. I put them on earlier this morning, seasoning the water with some chicken bouillon, a little garlic and onion powder, and some ground pepper. Once it came to a rolling boil, I turned the pot down to a simmer to let it cook. Later I’ll put on a pot rice and that’s pretty much what I’ll be eating till all the peas are gone. During these hard times with inflation and food prices rising, you do what you gotta do to make it. But with the lessons taught to me by my family we are making it so far.
It's funny how life changes you. The burden of carrying for a family often prevents you from noticing the changes within yourself. While I would never blame my family for any of my woes. Often there is a price to be paid both physically and mentally for the love you carry for them in your heart. But I learned the lessons of sacrifice from that my parents taught me. Which I’m pretty is why I’ve lived beyond even their lifetimes. Still as Murphy's law so eloquently states, “No good deed ever goes unpunished.” So I lay in bed on a perfectly lovely day. Not really hungry but knowing that eventually I’ll have to eat. Even with this current health crisis I’m facing I know I will survive. It’s not out of fear that I live proactively, nor is it for some far off “pot of gold” many wish to see. I guess it’s just because I’m stupid enough to think I actually have something to give. That life is truly about the lives you touch both intimately and casually. That our wellbeing is directly connected to the people that we touch. So as I face this crisis within me, I don’t see this as some epitaph. But rather just another lesson to learn, as I continue to tell my story.  The pleasant smell of spring flowers and drying laundry fills my nose. The neighbors next door are getting their grass cut, so the scent of the fresh cut grass only accentuates my overall pleasant mood. Last night wasn’t too bad, it was a little chilly. But when I pulled the covers over me I got too warm. So as with most things I put up with a little discomfort just to get by. I often use these pleasant days as an excuse to procrastinate, a habit that I perfected many years ago. But while my procrastination brings to me its own brand of peace; it still doesn’t eliminate the troubles I feel in my heart.
I wish I could be as strong as most people around me appear to be. But my fragmented mind often prevents me from being the strong man I wish I could be. But through the practice of mindfulness I’ve discovered that even the strongest person carries burdens all their own. And in these troubled times that weight often gets tougher and tougher to bear. Leaving us bitter with little mercy to give each other. We often insulting the strength of the generations that came after us. But what we fail to see the things was difference between us and them. For us communications was much simpler, but the lines between black and white were now drawn with a less merciful pen. So for one generation to insult another is a moot point. Each iterations of human existence is marked by it’s own troubles and fears. For me to place my values on another is to forget each of us has our own cross to bear. For me to assume that I know your innermost fears without knowing is an arrogant point of view. Let us all do our best to eliminate the envy and suspicion we towards carry each other. But through compassionate listening let us all learn that our similarities are all much deeper than our differences.
The gray of the morning sky does little to dampen my mood. If anything it adds a touch of joy to an otherwise warm dry day. Also the gnats don’t seem to be as enthusiastic as they were yesterday. While Buffy the cat is laying in the dirt where I usually park the car, a flock of mockingbirds scream and complain as they usually do when she’s around. I just received bad news from my new gastroenterologist. While the news was far from surprising to me, I think it disturbed the nurse more than I when she gave me the news.
One of the things that freaks people out about me is my apparent nonchalant attitude towards death. Along with their assumptions that I’m totally obsessed with it. In my opinion it’s not that I’m obsessed with dying, but rather my total acceptance of it. I could waste my precious time debating the whole “life after death” thing, or rather we remain a conscious spirit, or simply recycle into something else. All that is way beyond my pay grade. What I am focused on is living my life as peacefully as I can. No longer am I worried about my impact on the whole world. Now I am much more focused on my input on the individual and how I can be a point of positive change. As for my so-called obsession, I lived long enough to see my children grow and create lives of their own. I’ve watched my carefree grandkids play and learn and grow as well. And while I am nowhere near the world’s idea of the perfect parent or grandparent. At least my kids seem to have learned from my mistakes. And who knows, maybe one of them will take an interest in the arts or maybe a more appreciated writer than myself. While I doubt I’ll ever be a part of someone’s lifetime acceptance speech, at least I can say I tried. So when looking at your life and seeing all its failures and successes. Remain determined even in the absence of positivity, that with determination at least you have most of what you need to survive.  I’ve been up since before 6 this morning, yet I haven’t taken one step outside yet. Through the windows it appears that the morning clouds have broken. But unfortunately my back and gut are giving me a bit of a fit this morning. But my trusty old held together with duct tape heating pad is doing the trick. So while I lay here, the scent of a fading candle burns. Reminding me, that much like myself. I’m either too damn stubborn or too damn stupid to fade away.
As our home purchasing adventure continues, it’s never fun being reminded of how inadequate you are to the world. Especially when you hear story after story, of how successful people go through thousands of rejections. Only to finally get that one approval. But living with a fractured mind, such as I do. The repeated rejections, no matter how nice, cover my soul with painful stings. So I’m not going to spend every waking hour worrying about every rejection. Instead I’m going to pace myself, giving myself time to recover from the eventual stings. So I need a moment to lick my wounds. As the physical manifestations of my wounds heal. Laying here staring at that flickering flame. I can’t help but admire the candle’s tenacity. Through a sense of awareness and stillness, I see that long ago the candle could have just given up and faded away. So I guess that’s just something me and that old candle have in common. Either we have some eternal passion to just keeps us going. Or we just know it’s not our time to burn out.  The smell of the petunias is particularly strong this morning. A welcome diversion from the gnats and the grass pollen that are torturing me. The church bell just rang next door, calling the good parishioners in from there last smoke break. With the mornings laundry already hung, all I got to worry about now is what to fix for supper. Without a cloud in the sky, apparently every motorcyclist in South Georgia is riding US 280 enjoying the beautiful weather. I suppose we should take any moment of pleasure where we can. With bombs dropping everywhere and food prices starving even the middle class. We all must take solace where can.
Right now I’m in a bit of a docile mood, just taking things as they come. Knowing good and damn well there’s very little I can do to change the world as a whole. But knowing there’s a whole lot I can do about my own attitude and frame of mind. Everything begins with us. I was listening to a dear friend express her opinion about how she’s changing the situations that surround her. I truly admire her grit and determination to improve herself. And although I often give her a hard time about it. She knows that I’m just messing with her and that I am her biggest fan. So what do you find yourself doing on this quiet Sunday? Are you occupying your mind doing chores or are you relaxing in the shade listening to birdsong? Maybe you’re like me and doing a little of both. Let go of strenuous thoughts and no win scenarios that continually play in your head. There is no real secret to finding your peaceful Zen. You may do it by gathering with fellow believers at church or sitting alone in the shade listening to nature’s choir. However you do it, just know that the troubles you feel are often caused by the helplessness that you refuse to let go.  Out here amongst the shade and the sunshine, I slept in late today. The night was a bit nippy due to my leaving windows open and having little cover on the bed. While having stressful dreams as I usually do, at least my morning ended with a dream where I turned out to be the hero. So after finishing my usual morning routines I then went outside. My allergy medication hasn’t kicked in, but I do smell the fragrance of wildflowers on the breeze.
I still often myself envying those that seem to have achieved all their goals and dreams. Things like a comfortable home, a nice car, and a few extra dollars in the bank. But what I don’t envy is all the added responsibility. The constant pressure of having to live up to your own elevated standards. Nearly a decade ago, I was trying my damnest to do all these things. But despite my best efforts, stress and fear robbed me of any chance of ever achieving those goals. Left with a tremendous amount of guilt, I wasted a number of years beating myself over the head at my perceived inadequacies. That guilt often still eats at my soul, and still haunts me today. But now, except for the occasional bump in the road, I’ve learned to live with what I have. I’ve learned that the accumulation of wealth and possessions is nothing more than a blanket to hide the fear. Created by the tribalistic beliefs that security only comes from accumulation and not inward peace. As I’ve said before, I ain’t got nothing. No house, no money, no possessions of any value. Yet I do my best to be content with what I have. Still as a caregiver and provider, I must consider the needs and wants of others. It’s a quandary that I live with and must try to balance. But I’m doing my best by sending out these little messages of understanding. Letting you know, you are not alone.  I am plum tuckered out picking up limbs around the yard this morning. Even with the sap running up the trees, the limbs are still breaking off like it’s the dead of winter. I don’t know what’s amazing me more, the amount of broke limbs I’m picking up or just how tired all this has made me. Anyway I’m here in my rocking chair not a cloud in the sky, with the wind steady blowing. While it's cooler today the birds don’t seem to be complaining. While behind me an EMC supervisor is yelling at his phone , looking like one of those crazies that used to walk the streets back home.
I woke up late this morning so my meds haven’t had a chance to kick-in yet. So my head’s a spinning. But the petunias along the fence line certainly smell lovely in this cool air. I spent the last two days in and out of doctor appointments and having test done. Yesterday afternoon I had to run into town to pickup my wife’s meds and do a little last minute grocery shopping. After fixing a dinner from scratch, which only my wife and I ate. Still I had a hard time getting to sleep. According to my CPAP app, I only slept about 5 hours. Although I can’t really pinpoint to any particular thing that kept me up other than the usual. But in this stressed out mass media world, who says it has to be anything major that’s stressing you out. At the moment Buffy’s sitting on my lap being as alert as ever. Waiting to pounce at the slightest bit of alarm, but that’s just the nature of a cat. This morning I woke up to her sound asleep balled up next to me on the bed. I guess the thing is, we find peace wherever we can. My suggestion to you would be to get yourself out into nature. Maybe take a walk in a local walking trail or a park. Put down the phone become aware of your surroundings. Feel the crunch of the leaves under your feet, listen for the distinct sounds of the various bird songs. This creates a certain peace that will surround you. It’s a simple reminder that the pace of life isn’t always what we make it out to be.  It’s looks a bit dreary and damp outside, so I decided to just stay in with the heating pad on my belly. Last night was a rough night. With me gasping for air and heart steady palpitating. But don’t worry I know good and damn well I was experiencing another lengthy panic attack. I fought with it for a few hours compromising with, it trying to make a deal it. But nothing worked, so my head and my heart continued to pound. It wasn’t till I just stopped, wrote a poem, and did some journaling. That I finally calmed down just around daybreak.
The reasons for my stress really doesn’t matter. Not as much as how my triggers over time have just grown deeper. I like to think I am very proactive at fighting my illness. But over the course of time the anxiety and stress always seem to find new ways to get to me. I think more than anything I’m just tired. Tired of the everyday stresses of looking after a disabled wife and son. Not even counting my own personal mental and physical stresses. So I often go into autopilot and do what I have to do. I do my damnest to keep my mind from drifting into the realm of, “I just didn’t do enough”. A haunting statement planted deep within my soul, by those that didn’t know any better. So I meditate and I forgive, not only myself but those that hurt me so deeply. All I can ask of the next generation is their forgiveness, for the wrongs I done and often continue to do. So I breathe in and I breathe out. With a single candle burning and Buffy laying at my feet. Feeling the messages of defeat continually creeping in. All I can do is to try my best, Lord knows it’s better than the alternative.  The trash truck is running a little late today, but at it’s usual hour it runs into a lot more traffic. I just got through sorting out my bride’s medication for the week. Lining up her pill dispensers so she doesn’t forget what she should take at what hour. With laundry going in the washer, it’s a crisp morning here in the backyard. The morning sun shines brightly just behind my head. The leaves on the sycamore trees are just about ready to provide their shade. But with the current little cold snap, it’s just fine that they take their time.
After the rush of yesterday, I have one more medical appointment left for the month. It’s in the early afternoon so I’m planning the rest of my errands around it. That way I can give myself a bit of a lazy weekend. If I learned anything from yesterday, it’s that I’m nowhere near as fleet footed as I used to be. After running through three different stores, a pharmacy, and stopping for fuel, I was exhausted by the early afternoon. With this realization planted firmly in my head; I’m planning on spending the rest of my weekend just chilling and allowing my body to recover. When dealing with long term medical conditions, both mental and physical. You often forget on those good days that troubles come with over exertion. So you have to pace yourself. The problem with that is, we are a stubborn bunch of mammals. Often giving in the whims of our desires. We want to be younger, healthier, more energetic; but sometimes that’s not possible. As I said earlier learn to pace yourself. An example being how I set out my plan for today. Just as nature runs on its own clock through the seasons so should we. But there are times when even nature can be fooled. Like when an unexpected cold snap comes in the spring. But just as nature adapts, so should we. |
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October 2025
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