It’s looks a bit dreary and damp outside, so I decided to just stay in with the heating pad on my belly. Last night was a rough night. With me gasping for air and heart steady palpitating. But don’t worry I know good and damn well I was experiencing another lengthy panic attack. I fought with it for a few hours compromising with, it trying to make a deal it. But nothing worked, so my head and my heart continued to pound. It wasn’t till I just stopped, wrote a poem, and did some journaling. That I finally calmed down just around daybreak.
The reasons for my stress really doesn’t matter. Not as much as how my triggers over time have just grown deeper. I like to think I am very proactive at fighting my illness. But over the course of time the anxiety and stress always seem to find new ways to get to me. I think more than anything I’m just tired. Tired of the everyday stresses of looking after a disabled wife and son. Not even counting my own personal mental and physical stresses. So I often go into autopilot and do what I have to do.
I do my damnest to keep my mind from drifting into the realm of, “I just didn’t do enough”. A haunting statement planted deep within my soul, by those that didn’t know any better. So I meditate and I forgive, not only myself but those that hurt me so deeply. All I can ask of the next generation is their forgiveness, for the wrongs I done and often continue to do. So I breathe in and I breathe out. With a single candle burning and Buffy laying at my feet. Feeling the messages of defeat continually creeping in. All I can do is to try my best, Lord knows it’s better than the alternative.
The reasons for my stress really doesn’t matter. Not as much as how my triggers over time have just grown deeper. I like to think I am very proactive at fighting my illness. But over the course of time the anxiety and stress always seem to find new ways to get to me. I think more than anything I’m just tired. Tired of the everyday stresses of looking after a disabled wife and son. Not even counting my own personal mental and physical stresses. So I often go into autopilot and do what I have to do.
I do my damnest to keep my mind from drifting into the realm of, “I just didn’t do enough”. A haunting statement planted deep within my soul, by those that didn’t know any better. So I meditate and I forgive, not only myself but those that hurt me so deeply. All I can ask of the next generation is their forgiveness, for the wrongs I done and often continue to do. So I breathe in and I breathe out. With a single candle burning and Buffy laying at my feet. Feeling the messages of defeat continually creeping in. All I can do is to try my best, Lord knows it’s better than the alternative.
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