Another Daybreak

It’s looks a bit dreary and damp outside, so I decided to just stay in with the heating pad on my belly. Last night was a rough night. With me gasping for air and heart steady palpitating. But don’t worry I know good and damn well I was experiencing another lengthy panic attack. I fought with it for a few hours compromising with, it trying to make a deal it. But nothing worked, so my head and my heart continued to pound. It wasn’t till I just stopped, wrote a poem, and did some journaling. That I finally calmed down just around daybreak.
 
The reasons for my stress really doesn’t matter. Not as much as how my triggers over time have just grown deeper. I like to think I am very proactive at fighting my illness. But over the course of time the anxiety and stress always seem to find new ways to get to me. I think more than anything I’m just tired. Tired of the everyday stresses of looking after a disabled wife and son. Not even counting my own personal mental and physical stresses. So I often go into autopilot and do what I have to do.
 
I do my damnest to keep my mind from drifting into the realm of, “I just didn’t do enough”. A haunting statement planted deep within my soul, by those that didn’t know any better. So I meditate and I forgive, not only myself but those that hurt me so deeply. All I can ask of the next generation is their forgiveness, for the wrongs I done and often continue to do. So I breathe in and I breathe out. With a single candle burning and Buffy laying at my feet. Feeling the messages of defeat continually creeping in. All I can do is to try my best, Lord knows it’s better than the alternative.