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Last of the Rain

11/23/2023

As the last of the rain clouds sweep towards the coast. The load of laundry I started earlier this morning is finally getting hung out. I took Lisa over to our daughter’s for a hot shower then stopped by the store to pick her up a pecan pie. With a steady cool breeze blowing, I’m reminded of other family holidays. While my mind wonders off to friends and loved one suffering due to tragedy.

Around the world there seems to be a cloud of sorrow as we celebrate this day. Nothing more than a made-up holiday to give thanks and gratitude. It usually ends up becoming a stress inducing battle royale between moms and sons, fathers and daughters. But as the wind blows out of the northeast, I catch a hint of lavender from the wash. As my son fights the wind to rake fallen leaves away from the porch.

There will be no big family get together here. No different than any other year. After the girls moved away, they started there own traditions with other people in other places. Others may scoff that we have no sense of family. But I suppose I have only me to blame for that. Still the boys are here, and Lisa isn’t going anywhere. I’m thinking about taking a trip, but my old fears of travel now possess my brain. I often wish someone would carry this burden for a while. But realistically I know, some things are just yours to bare alone.

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Putting Clothes On

11/18/2023

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Well I put on my “going-to-town” clothes today (meaning I put on real pants and a shirt), even though I’m not planning on going anywhere. It’s day four of the gloomies outside my window. So I’ve been struck inside with a heating pad on my neck with the TV playing media propaganda on a loop. But with the promise of clearing skies, I have been working on my latest pet project. So while I’ve been making progress with that, I’ve been reframing from being my usual cynical self, by actually putting clothes on and not sweats and a T-shirt.

So many things have been mucking with my mind lately. The endless worry about money, the ongoing search for what is causing my wife’s pain, and now the prospect of having to move. All these things add up to headaches, anxiety, and tension that my broke down body and mind can hardly stand. But focusing my energy on things I can control like my little project. Enables me to chill and work through the things that continue to pound my mind and body.

Often it’s the little things like routine and focus that pull you out of the pit of your fear and anxiety. Then again it may be the moments when you just stop and clear your head that helps. Either way patience and awareness are the keys to overcoming most anything. Looking out the window now, the clouds are a little thinner and brighter. Maybe the key to my better attitude is getting off my ass and accomplishing something. Even if it’s just putting on a comfortable pair of jeans and focusing on something.

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My Fault or Not

11/16/2023

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Checking my social feeds this morning I noticed a post from a young entrepreneurial friend of mine. In it she posted with things the way they are in the world currently. She just didn’t feel right selling her products at this time. I DM’d her to say not to worry, large corporations have never had any trouble hocking their products even in the worst of times. Her reply I felt got to the core of the situation, saying she’s been dealing with some really “rude” and “cruel” customers of late. And that these situations have robbed her of her fire to be an entrepreneur.

While I’ve always subscribed to the mantra “that the customers are usually right”. To be belligerent just because you can, isn’t the way to handle any situation. And that such behavior usually lends itself to a much deeper problem. Listen I’m the last person in the world to judge anyone of the amount of rage and pettiness they may carry. Lord knows, I’ve burned enough bridges to start a forest fire. We all like to blame others for our poor attitudes. But when it comes down to it, who else can we blame but ourselves.

I know, I’m hearing the excuses coming through the screen. “But I was verbally abused as a kid” or “that stupid waiter didn’t get my order right”! Listen while some of our troubles were thrown at us without our permission. That still doesn’t give you the okay to be an asshole. I understand the world can make you crazy. Believe me I got the paperwork to prove it. But it’s also your responsibility to take care of yourself. And having a more Zen attitude is part of that care. Over the last eight years I’ve pulled myself from death’s door. I’ve lost 135lbs, I stopped having to take high blood pressure medication. My Type-2 diabetes is at pre-diabetic levels and my A Fib is all gone. My solution? Taking responsibility for my own actions, whether it's my fault or not.

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Work from There

11/15/2023

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Work from There

I try and tell myself there’s no point in worrying about shit. Especially when there’s nothing you can do about it at the moment. Maybe that sounds defeatist, but in my world I often find solace in the inevitable. We often pump ourselves up with so much hope, that the eventual letdown only creates more pain. As stoic as that may sound, I do go through untold hours of deep anxiety. I try to remind myself that all that anxiety only causes me more physical damage.

But despite my awareness and understanding of myself, the pain and the fear often robs me of my peace. Maybe I should be more “hopeful” and “optimistic”. But if anything, my life has taught me to just face reality. That in life things often don’t go the way you planned. No matter how much discipline or faith I may pour into a situation, often there’s no shining white horse coming to rescue me. As depressing as that sounds, it often gives me the strength to take one more step.

At the moment there’s not much more that I can say. My hope through all this confession is to offer you a realistic perspective. That wishes, hopes, and dreams don’t often save the day. That often it takes fear and perspiration to bring us a better outcome. What I’m trying to say is, acceptance drives action. I can wish upon a star all I want, but to create real change I must see things as they are and work from there.

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Truly Blessed

11/7/2023

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It sounds like The Guns of Navarone going off over here, with all these Florida deer slayers firing their rifles this morning. But out here in the Georgia pine woods it’s just something get used too. As long as they’re buying their permits, spending money to lease land, and shopping at our local stores, I’m okay with it. For a long time I was an avid hunter and fisherman myself, till eight years ago when the wind got took out my sails.

It’s a long ways from the 27°f I was experiencing Wednesday morning. Now at 11:30 it’s 74° with a high eventually reaching 80°. So much for my winter wonderland I suppose. Anywho, the leaves are slowly falling from the sycamore trees, the fig bush/tree has all but shed its leaves. So I’m left with a carpet of leaves filling up the yard and the back of my truck. You’d think by now I’d come up with more to talk about, like my religious brothers and sisters beating their drums about Armageddon, the rapture, or both. But that shit ain’t worrying me right now.

What I am worrying about is the price of bread, all the babies being slaughtered on TV, and all the anger we all seem to carry, rather justly or unjustly. Thankfully the loudest thing I hear at the moment is the leaves hitting the ground. There’s also that noisy ass bird across the street and the faint rumbling of cars headed down the highway. My world is a world of the privilege, a blessing from God many would say. But with all the indifference and ignorance I see, I can’t help but wonder, “Who is truly blessed?”

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Late Afternoon

11/7/2023

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I usually don’t come outside in the late afternoon. But given that our autistic son is pitching a fit about his favorite football team losing. I thought for my own peace and sanity, I ‘d come back outside. Living with family members with disabilities can be quite the chore. It’s especially an undeserved burden to put upon the “normal” kids in the house. But we as a family survived fairly well without too many casualties. I by no means will say I’m a model of great leadership. My kids will gladly tell you how well I f’d up their lives. My only defense is that I did as best I could given the arsenal I was given.

The taste of sweet tea with lemon has become one of my guilty pleasures. The sweet and the tart, mixed with the deluded tea, offers a bit of balance. Since my introduction to silence, I’ve discovered that in order to find my center. I must accept everything I see around me. Which basically means not only accepting the good within me, but also the bad. The older I get the easier seems to be for me to embrace all of the junk inside me. But it doesn’t stop with just acceptance, I must also learn about healing the broken parts. This is where I am now at the hardest part of my journey.

I’ve accepted that I will never change the world. Hell, I’ve pretty much accepted the fact that not everyone in my orbit will even like me. There ain’t much I can do about that, other than apologize and move on. Because I don’t need the guilt anymore then they need to carry the pain. So I sit in my little backyard while my neighbor’s dogs whine about being fed. And the and sufferable cries of that one angry bird that keeps flying around. Solitude and breath, those are my focus. Those are my peacemakers in world of turmoil and pain.

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