Got up late this morning so I just got through taking my morning pills. The sun’s out as usual, but these hot dry days have all but ate up my shade. As you can see leaves are already turning brown and falling off the trees. Mr. Brown mowed down what was left of the garden along with the rest of the yard. And as you can see the brown leaves are piling up like it’s autumn.

Ain’t much going on that you don’t already know. Just waiting out the last few days of August so I can enjoy the heat and humidity of September. But there is a little breeze blowing from out the east, so hopefully a little rain will come our way. There’s hardly a cloud in the sky so despite the warm breeze I probably ain’t got long left of my visit outside. But despite my complaining, the fresh cut grass does smell nice.

A lot of times I don’t appreciate the quiet that I’ve been given. Like yesterday I yearned for days of long conversations about much of nothing. Laughing with my friends one on one without worrying about getting anything done. In modern these times we allow ourselves to get so distracted by the bells and whistles of every day life. That we don’t make time for real connection. This is essentially true for me.
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But like I said, I often lose my appreciation for the silence. I guess because I got such an abundance of it. Still to chase away the loneliness of captivity, we need human connection. But at the moment I don’t have much of that. Alone with my thoughts there is just so much of myself I can handle. But social media is such a slippery slope, you never know what you’re going to get. Well there’s nothing more to add here, I’m just rambling out my thoughts. But if you're feeling the same about connection right now, just know you’re not alone

​Fit Perfectly
 
After about a day of feeling sorry for myself I’m back. Just a little worse for wear, but I’m chugging along trying to do some good. Anyway, it’s still an adjustment setting into this grandpa mode I’m in. My bride however doesn't seem to have a problem setting into her role as grandparent. The grandbabies have always taken to her like a finger to a glove, each seamlessly sliding into their perspective roles. As for me, I’m still stuck in survival mode still worrying if the whole damn thing isn't just going to fall apart.
 
You’d figure by now that I’d settle down and enjoy life. I mean a lot of my physical ailments are now manageable. Still I have these nagging fears that the whole thing’s just going to fall apart. It’s like if just one little pin doesn’t fit perfectly, my old friend fear crawls all over me. Despite all the progress I’ve made. Damnit! That same old paranoia just keeps coming back. So I have to ask myself, what the hell am I going to do about it? Do I live with the fear and just keep prodding along? Or do I work proactively with my faith and mindfulness training to be a better man?
 
Often I feel like I’m focusing so hard on bettering myself, that I lose focus on simply enjoying life. My bride even with her “so-called” limitations, has little trouble living in the here and now. In other words, she sees the grandbabies, she’s there wholly with the grandbabies, giving them her full attention. As for me, I’m worrying about saying something stupid or thinking about some problem that’s down the road. My point is, I’m still learning. Learning to be comfortable with who I am. Learning to be at peace with my failures. And learning that everything in life isn’t going to fit perfectly.

Lord knows it’s been a strange morning. First off I woke up and the bedroom was hot as hell. So with my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth I got up and headed to the bathroom. But when I opened the bedroom door a whoosh of cool air hit me. It was coming from the window fan left on in the living room. Mind you we have an air conditioner in the bedroom. Yet the living room was considerably cooler with just a fan in the open window.

Life has an amazing way of amplifying my discomfort. Especially when I’m in a heighten state of anxiety. The reason for my anxiousness is neither here nor there. It’s just the fact that I am here that matters. I do my best to put up a good front especially around you guys. But my family, well let’s just say they catch the brunt of it. My anxiousness has led to fights, bad blood, and plenty of ill feelings, so today is no different.
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As I sit here alone, I gather my thoughts and remember; there ain’t a damn thing I can do about some situations. But there are some in which I can. So it’s for those situations I have to put on my big boy panties and ask forgiveness. I never said it was pretty, but it keeps to peace. And as for my anxiety, well that’s a problem I have to deal with internally. With a lot of compassionate listening and a shit ton of self-forgiveness. 

Right now I’m just writin’ to be writin’, to turn a southern phrase. I ain’t long woke up from a nap something I haven’t done in a while. Last night wasn’t the best of nights. I was plagued by bad dreams and just plain being hot. This summer has reminded me of hot summer afternoons at my Grandma Geiger’s house when I was going up. She had a giant 100k watt air conditioner in the window but never turned it on. She’d just sit on the porch in her big cotton momo and hold court. Fanning herself with a church fan, giving out her solicited and unsolicited advice. 

So here I am some 40 years later, staring at this blinking curser. In my shorts and T-shirt, begging my old window unit to last one more season. Spilling out my own brand of unsolicited advice. Funny how some things never change. I like to think of myself as being a bit more enlightened, but really I ain’t. But like I said, I’m writin’ just to be writin’. Sometimes never gathering enough stream to say much of anything. But that’s just how things are around here. I usually don’t have many pre-conceived notions when I write, but I have been known to repeat myself over and over again.  
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So I guess that’s what I’m doing. The younger generations (anyone other than me) often take things way too literally. So I guess I could continue to be the old goat that I am and continue flipping them off. But apparently there ain’t enough of my kind left to keep up that act. But in order sound more like everyone else, I guess I’ll have to lie to your face and pretend I care. Kinda sad itn’t it. But I’d rather give you a little honesty, bravado, and candor than blow smoke up your ass. But that’s just me, writin’ to be writin’. 

​It looks like it’s going to be a beautifully hot day today. I slept in till 10:30 this morning, something I usually don’t do. But when I got up put on the baby lima beans I’d been soaking overnight so they’ll be ready to eat for supper tonight. That and a pot of rice and we should be set. Last night the AC unit in the bedroom froze over again. So for now I got the unit turned off and the windows are open. This works well till the sun faces this side of the house, after that its cold showers.
 
But beyond that I ain’t complaining (really I’m not). I’m just sitting here at the laptop driving myself crazy trying to learn this updated Adobe Express (I know, complaining). But other than that I’m doing okay, my appointment with the neurosurgeon went well. They are scheduling me an MRI on my back and neck, and we’ll go from there. Life is a funny thing considering all the bullshit I’ve gone through both physically and mentally over the years. Now that I’ve passed a threshold I never thought I would pass (living beyond the age of 59). I guess it’s time to reassess my goals and boundaries.
 
While I’ve never been big on goals or boundaries, I do have one true passion in my life which is my writing. After several books and thousands of stories published, you’d think I would have run out of shit to say. But to be honest when 99% of the time you’re writing in the first person. Who ever really gets tired of talking about themselves? Still I wonder, I’m I justified to continually babble on about myself? Couldn’t I just write about the “seven steps towards a happier and more productive life”? My honest answers to that question would be: (1) I’m a lazy writer, and (2) Hell, I don’t know.
 
Passion and love are often inquisitive, meaning if you’re sincere about your wants the answer is always out there. It may not be the answer you wanted, but it’s there. I do my damnest to practice what I preach. But in order to find fulfillment you often end up turning over a lifetime of rocks. So I say, go ahead and start turning. Hopefully the worst thing that’s going to happen is your little AC unit freezes up and you end up being a little uncomfortable for a while.