Circa 1988
Fit Perfectly
After about a day of feeling sorry for myself I’m back. Just a little worse for wear, but I’m chugging along trying to do some good. Anyway, it’s still an adjustment setting into this grandpa mode I’m in. My bride however doesn't seem to have a problem setting into her role as grandparent. The grandbabies have always taken to her like a finger to a glove, each seamlessly sliding into their perspective roles. As for me, I’m still stuck in survival mode still worrying if the whole damn thing isn't just going to fall apart.
You’d figure by now that I’d settle down and enjoy life. I mean a lot of my physical ailments are now manageable. Still I have these nagging fears that the whole thing’s just going to fall apart. It’s like if just one little pin doesn’t fit perfectly, my old friend fear crawls all over me. Despite all the progress I’ve made. Damnit! That same old paranoia just keeps coming back. So I have to ask myself, what the hell am I going to do about it? Do I live with the fear and just keep prodding along? Or do I work proactively with my faith and mindfulness training to be a better man?
Often I feel like I’m focusing so hard on bettering myself, that I lose focus on simply enjoying life. My bride even with her “so-called” limitations, has little trouble living in the here and now. In other words, she sees the grandbabies, she’s there wholly with the grandbabies, giving them her full attention. As for me, I’m worrying about saying something stupid or thinking about some problem that’s down the road. My point is, I’m still learning. Learning to be comfortable with who I am. Learning to be at peace with my failures. And learning that everything in life isn’t going to fit perfectly.
After about a day of feeling sorry for myself I’m back. Just a little worse for wear, but I’m chugging along trying to do some good. Anyway, it’s still an adjustment setting into this grandpa mode I’m in. My bride however doesn't seem to have a problem setting into her role as grandparent. The grandbabies have always taken to her like a finger to a glove, each seamlessly sliding into their perspective roles. As for me, I’m still stuck in survival mode still worrying if the whole damn thing isn't just going to fall apart.
You’d figure by now that I’d settle down and enjoy life. I mean a lot of my physical ailments are now manageable. Still I have these nagging fears that the whole thing’s just going to fall apart. It’s like if just one little pin doesn’t fit perfectly, my old friend fear crawls all over me. Despite all the progress I’ve made. Damnit! That same old paranoia just keeps coming back. So I have to ask myself, what the hell am I going to do about it? Do I live with the fear and just keep prodding along? Or do I work proactively with my faith and mindfulness training to be a better man?
Often I feel like I’m focusing so hard on bettering myself, that I lose focus on simply enjoying life. My bride even with her “so-called” limitations, has little trouble living in the here and now. In other words, she sees the grandbabies, she’s there wholly with the grandbabies, giving them her full attention. As for me, I’m worrying about saying something stupid or thinking about some problem that’s down the road. My point is, I’m still learning. Learning to be comfortable with who I am. Learning to be at peace with my failures. And learning that everything in life isn’t going to fit perfectly.
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