Blog Archives - TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton

Already Written

5/30/2023

I’m sitting here with a script already written. So it would be easy for me to post it and get the few likes that we all crave. Maybe I’ll even gain a few more follows from all the porn bots out there. Apparently this desperate old man fits the algorithm for such a person. But I honestly don’t waste too much time “chasing skirts”. I’d much rather connect what someone and get to know them. Maybe learn a little more about myself by seeing through there eyes. But being the impatient humans that we are, a lot of us spend our time engaged in a chase none of us are going to win.

Simplicity and modesty never seemed to be the great attributes we look for in romance. We want to be floored and swept away by the electricity and the attraction of it. I don’t know maybe I got a sorta misguided image of love way back when. But after a few screwed up flings, one totally failed marriage, and one long term compromise: my priorities have changed. Although I may sound like I know what I’m talking about. Honestly, I’m just as screwed up and disappointing as everyone else.

Beyond the honeymoon phase of a relationship comes the compromise and sacrifice phase of a relationship. The parts where the rubber meets the road and sadly you often have to change the tires. Usually the ride will smooth out on a new set of treads. But then you notice the shocks and the front end need to be replaced as well. But somewhere out there is a dream. A dream of a life where the compromises aren’t so severe. And the weight you have to carry can be shared by someone else.

So it is here that you ask yourself, are our lives already written? Do dreams never get a second chance once the die has been cast? I try to not dwell on such questions. Preferring instead to cast my dreams to wind to see if they’ll manifest. I like to think life isn’t so cold and calculating and hardwired like the algorithms used to predict our lives. So maybe there is an answer already written, where the boy gets the girl. And life even with all it’s up’s and downs isn’t so matter of fact.

Like I Did This Morning

5/28/2023

It’s taken me a few minutes to adjust to the outside since I got up from my nap. I don’t know if it’s my blood pressure or my allergies that were dictating my discomfort. But after a little bit of disorientation, I’m feeling much better. It’s still a blustery day Pooh, with that baby hurricane sitting off the Carolina coast. The sky can’t seem to make up it’s mind rather it wants to be cloudy or sunny. Either way I’m just sitting here watching the bark fall from the sycamore trees, like I did this morning.

I suppose you could say it’s rush hour traffic out here in Alamo. There’s the usual number of cars and trucks headed home from either Vidalia or Dublin, depending on where they work. Ain’t heard too many log trucks today; but I have seen a bunch of EMC trucks loaded with wire and power poles apparently anticipating the weekend. I suppose none of this really matters much in the overall scheme of things. But I suppose in my own silly way, this is me recording everyday life.

We get so caught up in trying to make ourselves look so special; that we forget the every day things that actually make life special. Sitting out here alone seems to give me a certain perspective about how seemingly insignificant I may be. Yet in the interconnectedness of life, we are truly important and special. When I begin to think about it that way, I am actually humbled by the thought. Life has a funny ways of giving us perspective. Meaning, either through prayer , mediation, or just plain observation. We begin to understand the utter complexity and simplicity of it all. So don’t sell yourself short by thinking you are nothing. Because you are someone in this great tapestry we call life.

This is the Peace

5/26/2023

There are lawnmowers buzzing all around the back of my head. My right shoulder aches and my left eye is full of floaters. The competing noises nearly drown out the songs of the mockingbirds overhead. But there is a gentle wind is on this late spring morning. And with no apparent sign of rain, I put on some laundry and hung it out to dry.

I pull myself free from the daily distractions by focusing inwardly, even with all this noise. Because eventually all things go quiet when given time. Outwardly I’m the same man the world has always dealt with for decades. But inwardly given time, I’ve found peace in the beauty that is both the natural world and the manmade. I struggle to explain myself, to get people to understand that life isn’t just about possessing. That if given the chance life will create everything you’ll ever need.

I took a leap of faith some 30 years ago, when I moved my family from Savannah and what we called home. To this place where the familiar was unfamiliar and still is to this very day. I’m often treated like a stranger in a strange land, and it can be lonely when you lose the familiarity of home. Here everything I touch isn’t really my own, but I’ve learned to adapt to the nonattachment this life brings.

Like I said it isn’t easy to explain. But through decades of sincere study, I’ve learn that detachment actually draws you closer to the truth. So I often sit here under someone else’s sycamore tree. Breathing in and breathing out. Asking myself, am I okay? Giving compassion to the person that I am inside. Hoping that the decisions I make benefit not only myself, but the world as a whole. Knowing this is the peace I sought for myself.

Plenty of Time

5/23/2023

Retirement has it’s advantages, at the moment it gives Buffy endless head rubs. Along with plenty of time to sit on my belly while I’m trying to work. Other than that I do have time to pursue my passion for writing and improve my general well-being. Yesterday was yet another day of doctor appointments and test. This time I went back to my new kidney specialist for my test results from last week. I really didn’t learn anything my body wasn’t already telling me. But they were optimistic about a treatment plan in the hopes of keeping my kidneys functioning.

I also got the additional x-rays my PCP requested of my neck, back, and hip. Once again, I’m pretty sure I know what the diagnosis is going to be. Although I’m curious about the options she’s going to suggest other than just pain management. But such is the life of a once self-abusive fool with chronic depression, and apparent health anxieties. But I'm doing my best to improve the situation through mindfulness, awareness, forgiveness, and gratitude.

Listen my growth has not been an overnight process. I’ve been working on myself since 1999 mentally and since 2015 physically. Believe me when I tell you it’s a “one step forward, two steps back” kinda thing. With many more disappointments than victories. So why waste the time, you may ask? Well for me the alternative may have been, let’s say…nothing. In other words being just another headstone in a long forgotten cemetery. Or worse yet a forgotten shell of a man pretending to be a cast member of The Walking Dead.

Listen if your reading this, you still got plenty of time. Plenty of time to ask forgiveness those you wronged and who wronged you, while also forgiving yourself. Listen to what your insides are telling you. And understand that your actions do effect you and those around you. You are worthy of change and forgiveness. But it’s up to you to try.

Pleasant Distractions

5/11/2023

It’s a bit damp this morning with the wind blowing in from the coast. There’s a sweet scent of flowers being carried in the air. Which is a pleasant distraction from the usual diesel and lawnmower fumes I usually get. I got my back turned to the street, it seems the gnats are a lot less abundant away from the fig bush/tree. Buffy’s on top of the Ranger standing guard in case there’s a squirrel attack.

It's sad that in the relative solitude of the morning so many troubles dance across the land. We’ve had three or more mass shootings within the last week. And that’s on top of the more personal tragedies people face everyday across the world. Yet I sit here watching an EMC Lineman train on the training pole across the street. While Buffy jumps down from the truck to follow Lisa to the Post Office.

I’m lucky I guess to live such a life. But in the not so distant past, things weren’t quite this way. It took a series of physical and mental troubles to take me down. To show me life often needs a pause. My adult children are in such a hurry sometimes living their lives and gobbling up moments like sweet candy. Yet in the background are moments of sheer terror. Where paranoia and propaganda ignites the evil that lives inside the fearful. Don’t get caught up in the distractions, listen to nature and what it has to say. That there will always be troubles, but also there will be moments of utter peace.

A Ton of Racket

5/8/2023

Sometimes my neighbors (The Local EMC) can’t help themselves but make a ton of racket. Today it’s run around with the forklift dragging metal strips across the concrete. Yeah, that kind of racket. So instead of getting all bent-up about the noise, I’m focusing on the idea that it can’t last forever. And at least they’re not using a leaf blower…at least not yet.

Hiding behind a sycamore tree to avoid the morning sun. The bird songs are quite comforting, while a steady cool breeze blows. There are the usual sounds of the day like log trucks rolling down the highway and throaty old pick up trucks hauling raggedy old trailers of lawn equipment. You can’t expect much more from a small town, even if it is the country seat. The rhythm of life pulses everywhere, both urban and rural, large and small.

There’s nothing profound going on, other than me taking a walk in the park later. I think about my friends that I don’t get to see very often. And on those days when we do get together. It’s like a giant family reunion where it’s nearly impossible to check on everyone. So as I plan for the rest of my week, I got to make a trip to Savannah. Then I got at least three doctor visits to make. So as I work on my schedule, I hope each of you has a quiet day. Where the sounds of life don’t tear through your brain. Like metal on concrete or a trucker pulling a Jake Brake.

Same Ground

5/4/2023

The feeling of being alone, for me is just a way of life. Some thrive in the solace, but I myself crave some interaction. It’s funny how the ones you want to impress the most, are usually the one’s you impress the least. For the last little while, I’ve allowed myself to be walled off. Mostly by the options and accusations of those that say I am “too hard” or “too unkind”. I personally don’t see myself treating anyone any different than I always have. It’s just over the last few years my “brittle canter” hasn’t been tolerated very well.

I don’t know, maybe all the folks out there are right and I should tuck myself into a quiet corner. But I think back to my own rising. Where fighting and scrapping were the proving grounds for survival. At first I was a very timid child. I was verbally abused for a number of things. I was asthmatic, I was fat, I spoke with a nervous lisp, and I worn glasses. You pick your poison and I’m certain was I bullied for it. It wasn’t until high school and beyond that I learned to use my sharp wit to win over my adversaries.

So for the next few decades I used my words and my laissez-faire attitude to survive. But as the years rolled by, my cynicism could only take me so far. And with each passing hour the very fears and abuse I buried, bubbled back to the surface. So I sought out wisdom from many sources. Like the comforting wisdom of Jesus Christ and the quiet words Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. Each guiding me down a different path then I was taking.

Now I don’t consider myself any sort of sage or even a wise man. I just know that for a very long time I was miserable. So while I have found for myself a certain amount of peace. I notice that many around me have remained the same. It’s hard to preach a redemptive story when your still seen as the bully. So I guess I once again have to change myself, while the ones around me hold their same ground.

Telling My Story

5/2/2023

I had a pretty good idea about what I was going to write about this morning. But while doing my morning routine of sorting through the laundry and checking my messages. I allowed those thoughts to just drifted away. But such as it is with the creative mind. You drift into an idea of something inspirational, but then it quickly passes away.

Outside it’s another cloudless day. The wind is quite cool for a May morning, but as long as it keeps the gnats away, I’m not going to complain. There are times when I miss the connection of true human company. One would think with a family and a following I’d be anything but lonely. But the riggers of caregiving and being in charge dull the senses to informal chatter and true companionship.

So you take on a personal life laded out more like a business, with schedules to keep and obligations to be met. Being a bit of a dreamer my creative side often gets lost in the duties of the day. Further causing me to shield myself in this impenetrable suit of armor. Many of you that enjoy reading my words may actually find me difficult to get to know in real time.

So I drift in and out of moods of loud banter and quiet retreat. But at the moment I seek companionship. Not so much the kind with intimate I love you’s and passionate awaking. Just some moments of quiet communication where some selfless understanding and respect are displayed. Often these are the elements of a relationship that we forget. Partner’s are supposed to grow with you, but seldom do they ever.

So I sit here languishing under the blustery shade of a sycamore tree. Crying (well maybe not crying), for a hint of inspiration. I sometimes wonder if I dream too much about the things I want. And that maybe due to my station in life, there will never be anything more than unachievable satisfaction. But until then, I guess I’ll continue to hope and continue tell my story.