The feeling of being alone, for me is just a way of life. Some thrive in the solace, but I myself crave some interaction. It’s funny how the ones you want to impress the most, are usually the one’s you impress the least. For the last little while, I’ve allowed myself to be walled off. Mostly by the options and accusations of those that say I am “too hard” or “too unkind”. I personally don’t see myself treating anyone any different than I always have. It’s just over the last few years my “brittle canter” hasn’t been tolerated very well.
I don’t know, maybe all the folks out there are right and I should tuck myself into a quiet corner. But I think back to my own rising. Where fighting and scrapping were the proving grounds for survival. At first I was a very timid child. I was verbally abused for a number of things. I was asthmatic, I was fat, I spoke with a nervous lisp, and I worn glasses. You pick your poison and I’m certain was I bullied for it. It wasn’t until high school and beyond that I learned to use my sharp wit to win over my adversaries.
So for the next few decades I used my words and my laissez-faire attitude to survive. But as the years rolled by, my cynicism could only take me so far. And with each passing hour the very fears and abuse I buried, bubbled back to the surface. So I sought out wisdom from many sources. Like the comforting wisdom of Jesus Christ and the quiet words Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh. Each guiding me down a different path then I was taking.
Now I don’t consider myself any sort of sage or even a wise man. I just know that for a very long time I was miserable. So while I have found for myself a certain amount of peace. I notice that many around me have remained the same. It’s hard to preach a redemptive story when your still seen as the bully. So I guess I once again have to change myself, while the ones around me hold their same ground.
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FD Thornton, Jr
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