Quandary

Out here amongst the shade and the sunshine, I slept in late today. The night was a bit nippy due to my leaving windows open and having little cover on the bed. While having stressful dreams as I usually do, at least my morning ended with a dream where I turned out to be the hero. So after finishing my usual morning routines I then went outside. My allergy medication hasn’t kicked in, but I do smell the fragrance of wildflowers on the breeze.
 
I still often myself envying those that seem to have achieved all their goals and dreams. Things like a comfortable home, a nice car, and a few extra dollars in the bank. But what I don’t envy is all the added responsibility. The constant pressure of having to live up to your own elevated standards. Nearly a decade ago, I was trying my damnest to do all these things. But despite my best efforts, stress and fear robbed me of any chance of ever achieving those goals. Left with a tremendous amount of guilt, I wasted a number of years beating myself over the head at my perceived inadequacies.
 
That guilt often still eats at my soul, and still haunts me today. But now, except for the occasional bump in the road, I’ve learned to live with what I have. I’ve learned that the accumulation of wealth and possessions is nothing more than a blanket to hide the fear. Created by the tribalistic beliefs that security only comes from accumulation and not inward peace. As I’ve said before, I ain’t got nothing. No house, no money, no possessions of any value. Yet I do my best to be content with what I have. Still as a caregiver and provider, I must consider the needs and wants of others. It’s a quandary that I live with and must try to balance. But I’m doing my best by sending out these little messages of understanding. Letting you know, you are not alone.