Meant to Sleep

​For the better part of three hours I have tried to go back to sleep. I’ve listened to podcasts and even an audiobook only to lay here totally uncomfortable and wide awake. My body uses all kinds of excuses for this, but I’ve resigned myself to the fact that sometimes I just wasn’t meant to sleep. Today was a trying day, for one thing our internet and phone service went out for several hours, with my cellphone service still out. Needless to say since my cellphone carrier was bought out by a larger corporation the customer service has been lagging at best. But at the moment I don’t have the funds to switch carriers till the first of the month.

It's not that I won’t survive without cell service, but I do like having the convenience of a phone in the car. So probably more than anything that’s the reason I’m wide awake right now. Inconvenience and fear can be major distractions to our peace of mind. I’ve sat up a many a night worrying about how I was going to keep the lights on or feed my family through the years. My Mom used to tell me how she earned every grey hair in her head while raising me. That took me a while to grasp that, but boy do I understand now.

I suppose I’m typing these words for no other reason than to honor her sleepless nights. For the prayers and the letters burned on the gas stove. When I was younger I had a hard time understanding the logic of the old. For a really long time I never thought of myself as getting older. But with the turning of the page and watching my own babies raising babies. I sorta get to sit back and take a breath. But there are still days when doubt and fear crawl back across my spine. Reminding me not so gently, that I am not immune from trouble. That the very things that kept my parents up at night keep me awake and restless as well.