Decades of Practice
Just when you figured things out, circumstance pulls another trigger and there you fall again. The last several hours haven’t been easy on my mind. A situation I often face reared its ugly head again taking my house of cards down with it. To be the one in charge is never easy, especially when you’d just assume be another ignorant drone. But with some degree of enlightenment comes the burden of being aware. I remember as a kid asking God for wisdom. What a foolish request to make when looking back. Because for the rest of your life you end up seeing things you wish you could unsee.
Living a life in total control places the burden of perfection upon your mind. Unfortunately perfection is an unreal goal to work towards. So the result is a failed self-image and ever increasing self-hatred. That when left unchecked creates this distorted view of everything around you. Within ourselves it creates totally unrealistic demands while fueling an anger you carry against the world. At the moment the depression I carry is reigning over me. Pulling every ounce of energy out of my body. But don’t worry, cause you’ll never see it. I am a master of disguise with decades of practice.
But my reason for writing this is two-fold. First is to give voice to the pain I currently carry. And second, to express to those of you out there that feel the same, that these feelings are only natural. Many would have you believe that depression, self-anger, and fear are elements we can live without. But I often find myself questioning these assumptions. For me to live a life in balance, you must accept all elements that make you who you are. While many see my words as dedicating, in truth they are about simply about acceptance. For what is love without hate and what is healing without pain. Conscience acceptance of the life as it is, is the first step towards healing and forgiveness.
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FD Thornton, Jr
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