Little Trouble

Having a little trouble getting to sleep. Been listening to some old records on Spotify. Not so much to remind of the old times, but I suppose to remind me of the times that never were. We’re told to forget the past, to blaze for ourselves new trails. But honestly every time I tried that, I only ended up being blocked by my past. I always felt like I was trying to live someone else’s life. That the dreams I was grabbing onto weren’t really my own. Maybe I’m just being some lazy old SOB, but I truly feel the moment cannot be met without first facing your past.

I may often dwell too much in a melancholy past. But it’s in those moments where I find perspective, not so much in a point of view, but in looking at things from all angles. In other words, why? Why can’t I just accept destiny and accept my fate? Why am I not driven? Why am I so unhappy? Lord knows I don’t have any answers, I wouldn’t even pretend too. But the fact remains, the past cannot so much be forgotten as it can be forgiven.
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Etched across my mind is the image of God reaching out to man. I’m sure it’s painted across the ceiling of a church somewhere. For me it represents either the bonding of two souls or the healing of the past to the present. Both of these things I try and reconcile. Neither is an easy task; but they were tasks often hold my mind captive. I understand that some philosophies wish me face truth then let go. But in all honesty, I simply don’t wish to let go. For one is a vision I frankly hang my sanity on to, while the other offers me a clear path to who I really am. I guess all I’m really trying to say is, I’m having a little trouble getting to sleep.