Surprise. Surprise. I’m awaken from a sound sleep…again. This time by an extremely foul taste in my mouth and the slightest flutter of my heart. The foul month I could explain away as the remnants of meat laden meal. But the atrial flutter, well I hadn’t had one in a while. Maybe it’s just me over doing it yesterday?
Aches and pains are certainly nothing new to me. Given my amped up sensitivity to change via panic and anxiety. It’s something I’m often confused by, meaning, I don’t know rather to stay or go. The classic fight or flight reaction. Sometimes if I just calm myself, the emotions and physical manifestations will soon disappear. But often that’s easier said than done.
So I’m left either continuing to fear my state of health. Or discovering what a paranoid fool I am. It’s basically a no-win situation, that leaves me physically and mentally spent. So I sit once again frozen in my indecisiveness.
God, I wish I could give you an answer for this shit. I guess my one true weapon is honesty. To stop hiding behind excuses and being very candid about my situation. Putting my words to this screen makes this my confessional I suppose. It may not be a perfect system, but for now it’s all I got. Making me accountable, at least to myself. Don’t let your physical or mental health dictate your happiness or joy. Do the best you can. Seek professional guidance. Do it for yourself, you’re not alone.
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FD Thornton, Jr
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