All I Have Left

Even after making myself aware of it, I still find myself grinding my teeth. It’s the last bad habit, stress reliever I have left. Considering I don’t smoke, drink, or overeat anymore; so I suppose I could do worse. But even with mindfulness and mediation, sometimes old habits are hard to break. You know, things like “flying off the handle” when things don’t go the way you want. Or when a colleague at work forgets a deadline. Hey, stress triggers happen all the time.

For those of us that live with chronic stress and anxiety, it often feels like isolating ourselves is the best option. But even than stress can still creep in, ruining an otherwise pleasant day. Even now I couldn’t even tell you what I am stressing about. I live a life that even now could be full of potential. But the stresses and anxieties I carry hold me back. 

I suppose it would be easy to say, just let it go. But it’s not as simple as all that. When the pressures of life push you so far, you can often develop a “hair trigger” when it comes to panic and stress. For 20 years I have lived with this chain hung around my neck. I’ve went to therapy, joined group sessions, taken all kinds of medication. But the clear winner in all that has been awareness and forgiveness.
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Through awareness of my situation and forgiveness for my faults, I am learning to deal with my stress and anxiety. Lord knows, I wish I could just snap my finger and make this all go away. But honey, that ain’t gonna happen. Positivity is all fine and well, my oldest often preaches at me to quit being so negative. Well “old habits die hard” and this old dog is stuck in his ways. I can’t fix everything about myself, I just ain’t got the time. What I do have is the ability the be aware and ask forgiveness when I have too. It’s all I have left.