While mentally I felt like I was heading to a good place, I was ignoring the warning signs that “something wicked this way comes”. While creating for myself a more positive attitude towards my self-esteem; I was ignoring the undo stress I was placing on myself. This led to my first heart attack, which led to a number of hospital stays and number of other major lifestyle changes. It blew the world I had planned for my family apart. This has since led to a number of other physical problems such as my gut situation, blood issues, and now kidney problems.
So I sit here and ask myself, were any of these leaps of faith worth the trouble? Other than the physical and mental inconvenience, I suppose not. If anything, this entire journey has taught me patience and how to let go. For so long I handled anything myself. I took on the responsibility of raising my family and being the caregiver. Now I’ve learned to accept that I could use a little help. Other interesting aspect of this “moral foil” is that I am no longer afraid of death. For so very long I worried about my family and who was going to take care of them after I was gone. But now that I have stared over the edge a few times, I’ve learned that we all eventually face that journey. And that, we can eventually face it with fear and dread or with peace and contentment that we did our best. Life is too short to fear tomorrow or even worry about yesterday. We have to be in this moment and learn to face it head on. So if that’s what you call a leap of faith, then I guess I’m all in.