Another Desert

Another desert, another purgatory I find myself in. Wondering but never thinking, dreaming but never building. In-tune but out of tune, searching but never really seeing. Rather it’s illness or just plain exhaustion, my mind can only focus in short burst of energy. I live on a philosophy of the moment. Constructing and deconstructing the man I was into the man I wish to be.

Decades ago I was forever unhappy, I found myself drowning in an ocean of obligations. Fearing that my next move would be my last. So when the ground beneath my feet finally crumbled, I found my hell. A place where the voices I swept under foot poured over me until I couldn’t breathe. For twenty years I fought to come back to the surface, only to find that the dreams I thought I wanted didn’t really satisfy.
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So here I am, feeling lost again. Allowing life’s troubles to steal my peace. Part of me just wants to say f*ck it all, while another part of me wants to heal. Why is everything such a struggle? Does every lesson in life have to come with a dose of discomfort? I don’t try to preach to anyone. I’d much rather lend an ear and let things sort themselves out. But damn if I don’t feel my heart sinking back into the water. Not wanting to feel anything, just looking to wonder through another desert.