After a few days of feeling pretty good. Today I’m caught between boredom and having what feels like a sinus headache. Sitting in the chair I had bought for my daughter’s once unfurnished house. My body trembles just a little while I search for inspiration to finish this story. Staring out the window the box fans roar loudly while the TV plays on mute. There’s not a lick of wind blowing outside, with just enough raindrops to keep me in here.
Forcing thoughts through my pounding head, it seems like nothing fits. Time passes slowly as I anticipate the appointment I have with my cardiac surgeon in the morning. I often wonder why I still get anxious before doctors visit. Especially after nearly a decade of revolving door doctor and hospital trips. But here I am, hopefully I ended a chapter in a multi-year process to control my atrial fibrillation. While AFib isn’t my only heart issue, along with my other physical and mental health problems. It would seem like I should be happy to eliminate at least one of them.
Anyway it’s been a long funky journey. I never planned this far ahead really, I thought I would have been dead a long before now. So I’m left here in better shape physically than I have been for years. But yet no different than I was at age 19 without a clue what to do. I mean my parenting days are done. That soaked up a good 20 or so years. Then of course there’s the lifetime care I give to my wife and son. But at this point that mostly runs on autopilot, where the above and beyond becomes routine. I never really thought I’d retired, but that was forced upon me by my genetics and poor life choices. So what’s the one last thing I should do with myself?
Forcing thoughts through my pounding head, it seems like nothing fits. Time passes slowly as I anticipate the appointment I have with my cardiac surgeon in the morning. I often wonder why I still get anxious before doctors visit. Especially after nearly a decade of revolving door doctor and hospital trips. But here I am, hopefully I ended a chapter in a multi-year process to control my atrial fibrillation. While AFib isn’t my only heart issue, along with my other physical and mental health problems. It would seem like I should be happy to eliminate at least one of them.
Anyway it’s been a long funky journey. I never planned this far ahead really, I thought I would have been dead a long before now. So I’m left here in better shape physically than I have been for years. But yet no different than I was at age 19 without a clue what to do. I mean my parenting days are done. That soaked up a good 20 or so years. Then of course there’s the lifetime care I give to my wife and son. But at this point that mostly runs on autopilot, where the above and beyond becomes routine. I never really thought I’d retired, but that was forced upon me by my genetics and poor life choices. So what’s the one last thing I should do with myself?
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