I’m sitting here for a moment trying to clear my head. After a semi-restless night, I woke up to a lovely sinus headache. I just got through taking my morning cocktail of medication hoping that might settle my headache down. It’s working a little, so I’ll just sit here and jot down some thoughts. A friend posted on social media about the death of her father nearly thirty years ago. It brought back to mind that my own father had passed away just a year before her father.
It’s ironic that both my parents died at the age of 59 and that this year I’ll be turning 59. For years I often joked about having a warranty that would last until that age. But lately those old haunts about death have been creeping back into my mind. For years my mind dwelled on the thought of dying. It was one of the fears that drove my wounded soul after my initial mental breakdown. It wasn’t until my first heart attack in 2015 that I truly found peace with those thoughts. So through all the other health related shit I’ve been going through over the years, I’ve always felt a sense of peace when it came to death.
But ever since my recent surgery and the slow process of recovery. Those old thoughts have been creeping back into my mind. I know that I shouldn’t let such things bother me. But with my history of verbal abuse and self-hatred, I cannot help but have such thoughts cross my mind. So here I am, listening to the fears my inner self thinks. Trying to block out such thoughts only delays the inevitable explosion that will occur. But by listening compassionately and letting go of such things, you can find peace. This takes practice and a great deal of compassion. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger towards yourself. Create a time each day to clear your mind and breathe. Listen to your inner fears, forgive yourself for having such thoughts, and remember to forgive others. You will never be perfect, but at least you can find some peace. I know I try.
It’s ironic that both my parents died at the age of 59 and that this year I’ll be turning 59. For years I often joked about having a warranty that would last until that age. But lately those old haunts about death have been creeping back into my mind. For years my mind dwelled on the thought of dying. It was one of the fears that drove my wounded soul after my initial mental breakdown. It wasn’t until my first heart attack in 2015 that I truly found peace with those thoughts. So through all the other health related shit I’ve been going through over the years, I’ve always felt a sense of peace when it came to death.
But ever since my recent surgery and the slow process of recovery. Those old thoughts have been creeping back into my mind. I know that I shouldn’t let such things bother me. But with my history of verbal abuse and self-hatred, I cannot help but have such thoughts cross my mind. So here I am, listening to the fears my inner self thinks. Trying to block out such thoughts only delays the inevitable explosion that will occur. But by listening compassionately and letting go of such things, you can find peace. This takes practice and a great deal of compassion. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger towards yourself. Create a time each day to clear your mind and breathe. Listen to your inner fears, forgive yourself for having such thoughts, and remember to forgive others. You will never be perfect, but at least you can find some peace. I know I try.
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