Endless Loop

It’s 5:20 in the afternoon. I just jumped out of a cold shower, if you want to call it that. The temperature is still in the mid-90’s with a heat index pushing close to 100°f. There is a decent breeze blowing out of southeast and it’s a little cloudy, but they are nice white puffy clouds. The squirrels and the mockingbirds are having a fit over on the fig bush/tree. I suppose they’re fighting over who gets the last of the sweet fruit on the top of the vines.

I’m just sitting here between the shade of the fig and sycamore tree. Swatting gnats and hearing what sounds like a tiller off running off in the distance. I’m trying not to sweat although the back of my left arm is getting damp laying on the arm of this plastic chair. Ain’t a lot dwelling on my mind lately. More than anything I’ve sort of been working on autopilot. Because if I get too deep into my thoughts I start depressing myself with the endless loops.
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Each of us runs a set of scenarios through our heads. Those that can run on a loop of perpetual bliss maybe they’re able to run endless optimistic scenarios. But for the vast majority of us, we run out of happy endings and switch over to autopilot. Ignoring the consequences and simply dealing with the endless failures we see. Now I’m not going sit here and give some no nonsense work around for this kind of behavior. Instead I’m simply going to say that I understand. I understand the guilt and disappointment we place on ourselves. I suppose the hardest thing for me to overcome is the utter disappointment I place on myself when plans and hopes fall apart. I don’t know but maybe expectations are nothing more than a roll of the dice. Where chance and blind luck have to play their part.