My anxiety and depression seem to be working overtime lately. For the past number of weeks I’ve been very anxious about my health and our financial issues. The depression comes to me in the form of fatigue and lack of any desire to do anything. The fight between these two things have so driven the direction of my life for over 20 years. Till I’m at the point where I am just tired of it all. These two things are at the root of most all my physical problems. So much so, that I often find myself fighting my physical ailments over the mental ones.
It's hell fighting a two front war. Devoting most of your time fighting one battle over the other. For the last six years my physical situation has been front and center. This in turn has left an opening for my mental issues to establish a new beach head. The war references fit this situation well. For there are strategies and options that have to be played out to win this battle. But at times, much like now, the war simply seems unwinnable.
So I have to remember to pull back for a moment and let my batteries recharge. Ammunition isn’t inexhaustible and regularly armaments have to be replenished. So I think I’ll sit back for a moment and allow a little self-healing to take place. So often I will write and write and write, to just try and convince myself I can make it. But even then in the darkness of night, the anxiety and depression win. The indestructible wall around me is breached; and every fear, weakness, and inadequacy comes flooding back in. Weakness is a hard thing to admit, especially when you’ve been the capstone for everyone around you. But often letting go is the only way to stop me from fighting myself.
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FD Thornton, Jr
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