Given to Breathe

​For better or worse, in sickness and in health…for some the words ring true. For other’s it creates an obligation, a call of duty to care for someone the rest of their lives. It would be easy for me to say everything is simple. That life is good. But for 30+ years I’ve looked after and managed the affairs of the woman I married. And to some it may seem like I’m controlling or even a bully. But to manage the affairs of another human being, places you in the role of husband, guardian, and sometimes parent. To the person you spoke those vows too. 
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I often think of it as a counter weight, something that keeps me firmly grounded in reality. Knowing that sometimes when you look into those eyes, the same content, the same exchange, cannot be reciprocated. But you go on being as good as you can, even when there are moments when you want to explode. Hidden deep within parts of myself, I’ve wanted to run. But call it fate, dedication, or maybe responsibility and there you are. Biting your lip and doing your best to feel your emotions returned.
 
Maybe I’m just a cold-blooded bastard for even thinking these things. But sometimes you just don’t want to think. You don’t want to be the problem solver or fixer. You just want to be left alone. So for me to hear stories of true love, they are often just an echo in the background of chores and meal planning. Of explaining things repeatedly, knowing they will ever be understood. So you appreciate the alone time. The precious moments of freedom your given to breathe. Then you dive back into the roles you are given. Pushing yourself aside to make sure things are taken care of. But to maintain this shell, the burden of servitude remains the goal.