Harder & Harder

I usually don’t go through this much summer/hot weather suffering with my sinuses as I have this year. But unlike my usual hurting through the spring, then easing up for summer. These last few months of usually hot weather have been a bit more different than in the past. So I lay here under the AC like some dried up sickly person who’s never comfortable no matter what the weather. I mean, I hate feeling this way. Used to when something would get me down, I’d eventually bounce at some point. But this past year? I don’t know, it’s just getting harder and harder.

There’s nothing worse than sounding like a “Debbie Downer”, right? Well anyway, as I approach that magical age of sixty. I’m beginning to think my own smart-ass rhetoric about it is getting the best of me. I mean for my immediate family I am charting some unknown territory. I mean no one, not my Mom or my Dad lived to see the age of 60. And being that I’m the oldest sibling I’ll be the first one to cross that threshold. And yes I know, age is just a number. But considering my overwhelming battle with health anxiety for the last 20+ years. You can see how this shit is often front and center in my mind. We all deal with our own inner demons. Rather it’s an addiction or a phobia, but unless you’re in total denial, there’s always something that triggers you down deep.
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There’s a lot more about this than I can tell you about in just one last paragraph. But know this. Sometimes fear can tighten up around me till it feels like it’s about to kill me, and believe me, I’ve been there. The key I suppose is to just hold on. Yesterday I went through a violent attack of acid reflux. To the point that I was questioning if it really wasn’t a heart issue instead. But I pressed on dealing with the discomfort till it finally started to subside. Now that’s not to say I didn’t mark the incident with my new heart monitor or at the very least check my blood pressure, because I did. I guess the thing is to never be ashamed to admit that you are afraid. Often it’s that fear that keeps your ass alive. It can also make you more aware of your priorities and give you a clearer idea of your self-determination.