Honest to God

It’s kinda hard to describe, the feelings are so real. The sensation that something is very wrong. For a long time I was told I was a hydrocondriac. Because whenever I’d get my symptoms checked out they would often fade. I’d always been overweight and I smoked. But even then, I usually stayed pretty active physically. So my earliest health issues didn’t appear till after I developed Panic Disorder. My panic often displays itself in the form of health anxiety. Rather it’s shortness of breath or rapid heartbeat, in the beginning it would quickly appear then disappear. I blame my worsening symptoms on increased stress and my own shitty lifestyle. But 23 years after my initial PD diagnosis, there are times when it’s hard to distinguish between a panic attack and an honest to God health situation.

There are other mental health issues I suffer from like General Anxiety Disorder and Chronic Depression. But my panic is the granddaddy of them all. I’ve quit and lost jobs because of it. I’ve made foolish financial and life decision because of it. Effecting not only the quality of my life, but the life of my family. The months of initial madness spending days and weeks under the covers of my bed. My bouts with depression and agoraphobia, and the clinic’s tendency throw treatments against the wall to see if they'd stick; it’s a damn wonder I’m still around. But through trial and error, and a great deal of therapy. I’ve survival but all be it with more than my share of scars.
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This journey is much more than I can sum up in just 300 words or less. But lately my old friend panic has been back to torment my nights. I think it all has to do with an upcoming surgery I will be having in October. The surgery will hopefully correct my AFib situation. It’s a new type of surgery that is going through it’s clinical trials. So basically I’m going to be a guinea pig or at least a lab rat. But while I still approach this with my usual cynical humor. Down deep my old nemesis panic has found opening. Lord knows why I’m even bring any of this up. It’s a subject I’ve brought up more times than I care to mention. Still it feels important that I say, there are no easy answers. But a fight worth fighting often last a lifetime, just ask any of my friends working on their sobriety. Life’s often never easy nor is it ever drawn with a straight line. The point is to keep trying. There were so many moments when I could have just given up. But for some crazy I chose to fight. And to be honest, I believe you want to as well.