I Try

There’s nothing much to motivate you, when you’re up at 2:37 in the morning. It’s never one thing that awakens me, it’s sort of a combination things. From the tightness and weight on my gut, to the droning headache, and of course my ever present anxiety. Don’t get me wrong, things are much better than they were 10 or 15 years ago. But the shift from mental to physical anxiety, produces the same result.

So I lay here and type out these stresses and emotions. Trying to give myself some semblance of relief. But it is so exhausting dealing with the same emotional pain time and time again. But I push through, like a good little soldier. Always fearing the moment when the call to arms stops coming, and I’m left with nothing to push me forward.
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I don’t mean to be depressive or at the very least mealy-mouthed about the situation. Because it is what it is. I’m clinically anxious and depressed, mostly from a life full of bad choices. But it’s a chicken or the egg situation when it comes to blame. I suppose the key to it all is forgiveness. Forgiveness for the abusers and forgiveness for myself. In a society that calls individuals like myself snowflakes or overly emotional. Feelings do matter. How else do you explain the “insane” behavior we see around us today? So seek peace, search your soul, and most important of all plant good seed. Even in your hour of despair. Lord knows, I’m trying.