I'm Selfish

Inside my own life compromise and sacrifice are second nature. Duty and service to others is the foremost priority. Within the bubble which I was raised, God and service came first and self came last. For a very long time I lived by that code. More so to indoctrination than true belief. For a very long time I was afraid to raise my doubts. But over the past several years, especially since separating myself from my past life. My mind has changed. 
 
Remnants of that life often still haunts me. I don’t mean to sound anti-religious and stand fervently against other beliefs. It’s just that I want so desperately to find myself somewhere within this pool of guilt and grace. While I walked this life with the best of intentions, the pressure to do right comes with a price.
 
I’m I selfish to say these words out loud? Is it truly beyond my control to ask for my freedom? Or do I go along keeping all this to myself, while wearing a smile? I sure as hell wish I had an answer. I mean I am blessed with the freedom to express my feelings at least on this screen. But beyond that I live within these four walls in which I'm confined. 

Time is a luxury I can no longer afford. So while I sit here typing away, the world is moving on without me. Life is moving without me, as I sit here isolated and alone. I know I should be grateful for what I have (that’s what God would say). But I still want to feel the touch of true emotion. Love and respect given without strings or demands. And the simple passion to  just be myself.