Impossible to Break

I woke up under a canopy of worry. Marking moments by the second, fearing disappointment, wasting time. It’s a habit I like to think I had broken, it’s a habit that’s impossible to break. Looking through eyes jaded by my own reality, it’s hard to feel moments of optimism. So I sit silently watching the world pass. Making up excuses to stay off the ride. 

I do so many dumb things, all in the name of peace. I spend too much, I laugh too much, I give in too easily to a child’s cry. All for those precious moments of peace and happiness it brings. Keeping the consequences of my actions close to me, eating away at my heart. But those moments of pleasure are hard to resist. The brightness of that smile and the satisfaction I see. You don’t mean to spoil anymore rotten. But in this world of disillusion, it’s often the only time I feel alive.
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But quietly I shrink back into my corner. That same bullied child, a target, the easy mark to hit. It’s that child that’s been hidden away the longest. That manifests I himself in sleepless nights, panic attacks, and failing health. All I can do is listen and write. Cleansing my soul one drop of poison at a time. Looking into the eyes of the ones I love. Staring into the heart of truth, knowing we’re cut from the same cloth.