When rooting around in the basement of my heart. I often come across shit I just assume leave alone. But in order to lead a more balanced life, free of the pain these moments cause me. I gotta sweep out the cobwebs and let in some light. From minute one, I knew I was in over my head. With a fiancé with troubles of her own, a baby on the way, and no real plan. We got married and lived our lives as best we could.
Over the years trouble just seemed to follow us. With three more kids and one with special needs, I was on a slow train to a breakdown. Ill prepared for any of this I served as full-time father and part-time mother. I worked mostly nightshift so I could keep on eye on the little one’s before they started school. With little change in my pocket, holidays were provided by grandparents and charity. And while I don’t know about you, for someone raised by a hardworking (but not an exceptionally affectionate father). I felt nothing but inadequacy and shame in those situations.
To this day while our kids are pretty successful and live good lives. I find it hard to really enjoy the true meaning of the holidays. Mostly because of that dirty basement where those feelings lie. It’s easy to say, that we’ve let go of something. But to put those words into practice is a whole other adventure. While I’m still working on my situation, putting on my brave face every day. Don’t think for a minute things don’t bother me. My ongoing health issues I can’t control, not to mention the mental baggage I’ve been “duct taping” together for decades. It all comes down to searching and desiring to live and get better. Ignoring shit only buys you a little time. Find a path and follow it and open those curtains let in some light.
Over the years trouble just seemed to follow us. With three more kids and one with special needs, I was on a slow train to a breakdown. Ill prepared for any of this I served as full-time father and part-time mother. I worked mostly nightshift so I could keep on eye on the little one’s before they started school. With little change in my pocket, holidays were provided by grandparents and charity. And while I don’t know about you, for someone raised by a hardworking (but not an exceptionally affectionate father). I felt nothing but inadequacy and shame in those situations.
To this day while our kids are pretty successful and live good lives. I find it hard to really enjoy the true meaning of the holidays. Mostly because of that dirty basement where those feelings lie. It’s easy to say, that we’ve let go of something. But to put those words into practice is a whole other adventure. While I’m still working on my situation, putting on my brave face every day. Don’t think for a minute things don’t bother me. My ongoing health issues I can’t control, not to mention the mental baggage I’ve been “duct taping” together for decades. It all comes down to searching and desiring to live and get better. Ignoring shit only buys you a little time. Find a path and follow it and open those curtains let in some light.
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