Making up for Lost Time
I finally got through putting dinner together, just a little homemade chili simmering on the stove. But my digestive system has been making up for lost time. So preparing dinner has been a stop and start situation. I know that sounds gross as hell, but after 3+ years of this, you get used to it. But I don’t want to turn this into some damn pity party, because it is what it is. You live, you do your best, and still you end up going out in some gross way.
Listen, I don’t mean to sound like a hard ass, but that’s just the mood I’m in. And frankly I don’t blame myself. It’s been a rough month or so, and despite how hard I’m been fighting these negative emotions, here they are. That’s because despite how many mantras I may repeat or how many affirmations I proclaim; life can often feel, look, and smell like a pile of shit.
I know this may rain on some of yawl’s parade about finding joy and purpose. But you know what, I never found any true peace until I quit lying to myself about how I really felt. Within each of us there are seeds of happiness and despair. While there have been many examples of good in my life. There has also been an equal amount of bad. And while it may seem like I focus a lot on the bad, it’s just me giving time and attention to that part of me. For too long I buried deep those painful emotions. Which in turn created most of the sad situations I face today. Because without acknowledgment and compassion, there can be no peace. Because without forgiveness and honesty, there can be no balance.
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FD Thornton, Jr
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