My Lemon Farm

When life treats you like you own a lemon farm. It’s hard to handle good fortune without a twinge of doubt. But for the last few months, things have been going pretty well for me, both financially and physically. Contentment is a strange word to me. Especially since I’ve spent the better part of my life waiting for the other shoe to drop. So I’ve been thinking about this for a while, but I wasn’t quite sure how I’d tell the story.

When you’ve been called a loser or four-eyed fat boy all your young life. It starts to sink in that maybe they are right. That I am a loser, because I am a four-eyed, left-handed, asthmatic, that can’t do or say anything right. Words hurt and they leave really deep scars. To the point that where even good things in your life start to look like a scam. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve achieved a personal goal, only to be let down by my feelings of inadequacy.
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I wish I had some magical truth that could wipe all these emotions out of my brain. But unfortunately, I still deal with this shit every day. All I can tell you is to be aware. When those seeds of doubt come up in your head, let them be heard. Don’t try and squish them out. Because that only pushes the pain even deeper. By giving the pain a voice, you acknowledge the hurt, then you can accept it, then you’re able to forgive others as well as yourself. Maybe it sounds silly or even a little “new agey”. Still it beats the alternative of hating yourself and eventually those around you. So try a little acceptance and forgiveness, you never know what it might do.