FD THORNTON.COM
  • Welcome
  • Stories
  • Painted Poetry
  • Books
  • Lisa's Art
  • Moments of Zen
  • Contact Us

Pretending

3/13/2023

0 Comments

 
Picture
Got up this morning pretending it was summer. So I put on some shorts and a t-shirt and made myself an iced coffee. It’s a cool and rainy day outside, so I’m sitting up in bed with a throw blanket over my feet staring intently at this screen. The good Baptist next door are looking a little thin today, if judged by the number of cars in the parking lot. Looking out this got me to thinking about my own spiritual journey and about how I went from point A to point B in my life.   

After an illness that nearly took my baby brother’s life, my mom went on a kind of spiritual journey. First she started going to a little Baptist church we occasionally attended in the neighborhood. Then she started watching this strange little show on TV called The PTL Club, which later I discovered stood for “The Praise The Lord Club”. Mine you this was at the very beginning of the show before the greed and excess really became apparent. This program eventually took my mom (and us kids) knee deep into the “Pentecostal Movement” of the early to mid-1970’s.

Being an awkward impressionable young teen I so wanted to fit in t whatever click I could find. Attending church during my mom’s spiritual journey was mandatory for us kids. But I must admit I enjoyed the lively music and tingling feelings I felt during the worship services. So I hit it off with my fellow tag-a-long kids at the various churches we attended. But as I dove into deeper into the doctrine of the evangelical moment, I was divided by the absolutes it presented.

As I have learned most teens in the moment had the same conflicting feelings about “living righteously “ and “living in the world “. So there I was standing in the middle, pretending to be this “warrior of God” around my Christian family. While “living for the devil “ around frankly the same group of kids outside the church. As I grew older the pressures of adulthood grew heavier and heavier leaving me nothing but disillusioned. I ended up divorcing my first wife and running back to the church for comfort. Later on I got married again this time to the preacher’s daughter. But on a dare from God (this is a whole other story) I moved my family away from everyone and most everything we had known.

It was here that I grew up becoming the person I am today. I struggled, but I was building a new life for my family. But it wasn’t long before the realities of life; raising four young children and dealing with my wife disabilities. Took a toll on me emotionally and spiritually. Most of my family including my late mom would simply say, come back home to church, but it’s not that simple. When you’ve lived through twenty plus years trying to live up to some ideal planted into your head. You quickly discover you’ll never make it to those ideals. My upbringing would tell me to put it at the feet of Jesus. But son all I can say is, that’s a beautiful sentiment, but what does it really change?
​
Please, please, please let’s not turn this into an argument in theology. I’m long past the tingling I felt so long ago. Silence, awareness, breathing are my sacred prayers now. Listening to that crying child that was bullied. That was told to man up all the while being told he was worthless. It’s the listening and embracing of that soul that brings peace. So I no longer pretend. I no longer try to live up to someone else’s expectations. Now I take my weaknesses, rather mental or physical and use them as strengths. I’ve taught myself to find balance, not absolutes. To stop pretending to be something I’m not and to be who I am. 

0 Comments



Leave a Reply.

    All post written by
    FD Thornton, Jr  
    Copyrighted.
    ​All Rights Reserved.

    Archives

    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    November 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019

    RSS Feed

Proudly powered by Weebly
  • Welcome
  • Stories
  • Painted Poetry
  • Books
  • Lisa's Art
  • Moments of Zen
  • Contact Us