You ever wondered if your life isn’t worth anything unless you’re living it for someone else? I mean, I think about caregivers like myself. That seem to be on call 24/7 for the needs of others? I’m sure some of you out there might be thinking, “That’s a pretty selfish way to think about the one’s you love”. But here again, we go on putting the needs for others above our own. My upbringing was based on servitude and giving unto others. It’s a practice that was well preached, but seldom observed.
To ask me why I touch this subject is to touch my very soul. My entire self-worth is based on what I could do for others. This in turn has caused me so much self-damage. You should see my medical records. It has damaged me mentally, physically, financially, and caused me to abandon dreams and wishes for myself. Again, this may sound like a pile of selfish horseshit, and maybe it is. But wouldn’t that mean that giving of myself would count as a true blessing or some semblance of satisfaction?
I sit here while across the way children carelessly play in their front yard. I smell the evening scent of the daisies in the garden. Yet I sit here alone. Desiring but one silly wish I can never have. Is it fair or unfair, that’s certainly not for you to decide. Yet I sit here shackled to the obligations of this life. You may cynically say, “Well then leave, if you’re so miserable “. Huh, if life were only that simple. Questions that cannot be answered and desires that you can’t fulfilled, are what create us. They make us stronger and more determined to be what we seldom observe. Happy.
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FD Thornton, Jr
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