Rather you know it or not, I stay about two stories ahead of myself. Meaning while I’m here writing this, I got at least two other stories in development. I suppose it helps if I ever run out of inspiration or have other pressing things to do. But while I do this, I’m still bothered by what I call an apparent lack of focus. Years before I thought my dissatisfaction with myself, could be cured by “laser focusing” on achieving my goals. Needless to say, it was that very thing that nearly killed me. Now it wasn’t goal setting that was wrong. It was my dependence on those goals to bring me happiness.
I gladly admit that I am a broken man with enough insecurities to fill a room. But through mindfulness and meditation, I’ve placed myself on the journey towards healing. But unfortunately I chose the wrong path to get there. You see I started concentrating on a “5-year-plan”, which pulled my focus away from the true healing I needed. For a while I was making some progress, but as time matched on the stress and fear I always felt continued to build, leaving me in far worse shape than when I started.
Since then, I have had to focus almost exclusively on my physical and mental healing. My journey has been well documented in the stories I have written. As the years have worn on, I’d like to feel my story has gotten better. I guess what’s bothering the most now is seeing my peers grow and move on, both spiritually and worldly. Meaning they’ve taken the lessons they have learned and moved on. Yet all the while, I feel like am just sitting here, still listening to the wind and focusing inward. I don’t know, maybe I’m just talking out of my ass. But that drive I once craved in the past, is starting to raise its head again. Making me a little fearful of a future yet unwritten.
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FD Thornton, Jr
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