TRUTH-LIES...with FD Thornton - Stories

Connect the Dots

10/8/2024

I messed up my own sleep yesterday by getting up early and by later taking a late nap. Then at my dear wife’s instance going to bed around nine in the evening. Now it’s nearly two in the morning and I’m wide awake. But it wasn’t my wife or my late nap’s fault that woke up so early. No, it was the painful explosion occurred in my gut. It’s not a pleasant subject to talk about, but it is a reality I’ve lived with for several years.

I’m always trying to connect the dots. I suppose it comes from my curiosity as a kid and the trade in which I’m trained… analyst. But never since the stressful task of living through our recent hurricane and its aftermath. I’ve been having real trouble with my digestive system. Without giving away too much detail it’s been quite painful and unpredictable. Recently my issues followed a morning to afternoon pattern, usually ending before the evening. But lately it’s a late night through mid-morning pattern of discomfort. As always I deal with it by taking my medicine and watching what I eat. But over the last few days the pattern is getting more…intense. Almost to the point of unpredictability.

So what do you do? Most of my doctors offices are overrun or completely shutdown due to the storm. But as I ponder the question, I think it has more to do with post traumatic stress. I believe at night I’m reliving the stress of the last few weeks now the things have settled. It’s funny how stress shows up in my life both physically and mentally. It always seems once I patch one hole stress and anxiety comes leaking through another. So as I dig through my arsenal of weapons (medication and mindfulness practice) to patch yet another hole. Always make time to connect the dots with what maybe troubling your own life. Don’t let stress, anxiety, and discomfort win.

Awakened

10/7/2024

Sandra Saxon Burnsed

Awakened this morning by vivid dreams of things to come, I tried to make an unsuccessful phone call to my father-in-law. But our phone and internet lines are still “iffy” at best. So I just settled into a morning of written meditation. I watched a documentary on a religious group I followed in my youth even going as far as visiting their church campus back in the mid-1980’s. At the time me and some friends of mine thought of using them as a model for a similar campus in Savannah, Georgia.

But just as with many well-thought out plans, it was never to be. At the time my need to be a provider for my young family outweighed my desire to be a young Christian lighting rod. While I’ve never carried a tremendous amount of guilt for that decision. After watching the personal account on that group and its successes and failures. I’m pretty happy my part in those plans fell through. Still a lot of the demons I have carried from my youth still haunt me. The guilt of never achieving that moral standard set for me by the “church”. The shame of never being able to pray the demons away that cloud my mind (depression, doubt, and questioning). Or being able to completely reconcile with the wrongs done to me as a young child.

Still as I stare at the staple of the good Baptist church next door. I have to wonder are my prejudices against faith warranted or as I’ve been told all my life, just excuses not to follow the light. At the moment they are warranted, I’m simply not ready to forgive some past traumas. But I am willing to love those who try, for those that didn’t know better, for those that drank the same Kool-Aid as I. Despite our overwhelming need to create good and bad with grey areas in-between. There is still pain that cannot be resolved and there are still are sins that need to be punished and not forgiven. But as I sit here today, I cope, and I work through these situations by being honest with myself and letting my words flow with the wind.

Half-Drank Cups of Coffee

10/4/2024

My desk is covered with pill bottles and half-drank cups of coffee. On the wall I got a small sign that reads “The Difference Between a Boss and a Leader” then it lists the differences below. I’ve ever had the heart to take it down even after my medical issues, because I agreed with it so much. At one point I had convinced myself I could take on the world, now I give out of breath just hanging laundry.

I graduated from college in 2012 at 50 years old. I had zero dollars in my pocket and an idea to start a tech advisement company. I had the idea to bring on other tech partners and start an LLC where we could pool our resources and be equal partners. I also continued my education while working to promote my little one-man sideshow, working on my MBA.

But in 2015 while working of my Capstone Exams to graduate. In the middle of my last exam, I felt a blaze in my chest. Ignoring the pain I pushed through the timed exam and sent it in. Thinking it was just the ongoing panic I suffered through since 1999, I ignored it. But for the next week I suffered with the worst indigestion I’d ever experienced. Finally it got to the point where I was having trouble catching on breath. So after taking a cold shower in October, I could breathe any more and used my last breath to call 911.

Since then many things have had to be adjusted. No longer was my dream of starting an advisory business a viable option. Lost and disappointed with myself, I ended up going on disability. Still I knew it had skills, skills that I could still use in another capacity. So I turned back to my first love…writing. Today I publish a website “fdthornton.com” where I tell stories and handout my own brand of motivational advice and truths. It’s not much, and it certainly doesn’t turn a profit. But it offers me an outlet for the passion and drive I still carry. I guess what I’m trying to say is, don’t give up on your dreams or yourself. Circumstance opens just a many doors as it closes, if you only try.

Call of the River

10/3/2024

I guess it was the call of the river that made this whole hurricane situation easier to handle. Days looking out across the black water always helped me find peace. So with the power outage, the lost cellular service, and the trauma of the storm itself: the silence become a bit healing. Imagine the sound pf an old farm before modern times, before electricity. Where in the vastness of the land you would often hear nothing but for the sound of the wind. I figured at some point in all this, my nerves would get the best of me. But the isolation I felt only reminded me of the river all those years ago. Shielding me from the enormity of a situation.

With the post office shutdown and most roads barely passable. I hope it doesn’t come down to food shortages, but there’s already a run on groceries stories that are opening. There are even the stories of convenience stores in a nearby towns being looted. We’ve pretty much ate through all our refrigerator/freezer items. But we still have a fair supply of can goods and dry goods. So with the down trees and limbs across our yard for the first few days we created a bit of a Hobo Camp for ourselves. With the help of some left over charcoal, broken tree branches, and an old grill I never threw out. After a few days I started hearing tall tales of electricity, groceries, and gasoline over in Eastman. But with the Kia already sitting on empty, I was not taking any chances what could be fables and rumors.

After 6 days of just my four and no more, with the help of my other kids, the city, and Georgia Power. We got some ice, bottled water, and food supplies; then the power came back on. It’s been 8 days since the storm, and I’ve already filed for disaster relief. Hopefully there won’t be any heavy rain till I get the roof and broken windows repaired. If I were healthier I could probably do it myself. But considering we were one of the lucky areas, most businesses nearby are still closed and without power. So I’ll just thank the stars for what I do have and be patient and compassionate with those with much less. After six days of not hearing anything the shock of the whole event is still sinking in. But with the swiftness of the river, time will take us through.

Worth More

9/25/2024

First off I wanted to say Chapter 9 of the Never Gone series will hopefully be out later in the week depending on Hurricane Helene. But me and my bride just got back from drug store shopping. And as you can see above I got a grocery bag full of new drugs. I won’t get into details but without my insurance that bag is worth more than the Kia I’m driving.

Yesterday afternoon I went to my cute little cardiologist NP, for the results and outlook of my recent heart catheterization. Sadly I guess, the outlook isn’t very good. The angina and heart flutters I’ve been having at night are do to a decrease in my hearts Ejection Fraction (EF). Normally the lower chambers pump blood at 50%, below 40% isn’t good. Mine are down to 20%. So my cardiologist recommends implanting an ICD defibrillator. So hopefully down the road, So I'm getting a Baby Bobby (Long story).

So am I worried about the consequences, huh, Yes! Do I trust the diagnosis? Even Bigger Yes! So I’m preparing myself for a life with a few new shocking surprises. I wish the news was better or at least the same. But it is what it is. My NP did say that was not retaining fluids , was is common. Or that I didn’t need another stent. Is just that things are deteriorating as is often the case with congestive heart failure. But with this change in medication and the implant as a backup plan. I’ll do my best to make sure my life is worth more time.

Monday Hustle

9/23/2024

Well I’m up doing my normal Monday hustle, along with changing the bedsheets, turning the mattress (which you should do every season), doing the laundry, along calling to get my wife’s prescriptions ready. It’s what a caregiver calls a normal day. With my wife’s leg and side giving her a fit, she’s slowed down even more. Spending most of the day in her recliner with a heating pad. For over two years we have been going to specialist after specialist never getting a straight answer. Just more test and more prescriptions. Some have told me in private that she must be exaggerating the pain, because they can find nothing wrong. But these are not the answers you give to a disabled person who said it hurts and that none of us (including me) cares.

So what do you do? You take care of business. So I get on the phone with the pain management doctor that’s 150 miles away and beg someone to answer the phone. Then when they do all I get are procedure appointments rescheduled and rescheduled months down the road. Her next appointment is the day after Christmas. With no medication prescriptions renewed or anything. Nice huh? So I ask myself, where do we go from here? I mean this as far as we have gotten to any solution so far. Do we start all over again, I mean, seriously? But mine is just one story in what I’m sure are millions of other stories.

Stepping back from your own selfish frustration you have to consider the millions of other advocates and caregivers out there. Those with even less resources then even you have. Those working fulltime jobs or those who depend on medical transport or those crying in there pillows at night when no one’s there. Plus those that have to deal with family members who don’t life a finger to help. Yet hang like vultures waiting to pick their loved ones bones. These are hard words to hear, let alone write down. But they must be written. So to all the caregivers out there, I get it. Maybe someday a commonsense solution will be found. Till then…continue the hustle.

This Time is Yours

9/20/2024

I got up this morning thinking, I don’t feel like this “adulting” thing today. For one my allergies were up, my right eye had air blown in it all night (CPAP thing), and my bones hurt. But it didn’t take me but a few moments to get over that after having to pee for the fourth time since I went to bed. So as per Mom’s strict training I rolled out of bed, opened the curtains, made up the bed, and got dressed. After taking my morning lot of medication, my wife walked in with the mail. I got one lone letter from my health insurance provider showing I was approved for an upcoming procedure K74.69 (Colonoscopy/Endoscopy).

This isn’t my first rodeo with either procedure, I had my first some five years ago. Usually the average person should have this done every ten years, but since polyps were found in my colon (they were benign) I have to go in for a look under the carriage every five years. For those of you that are putting off having these procedures done, there’s really nothing to it other than the inconvenience of the colonoscopy prep. My advice for that is eat light before you do the prep, it makes the whole process much easier. As far as having an Endoscopy, my only complaint was my throat was sore for a few days afterwards.

Anyway, such as the life of an aging man with a shitload bad habits under his belt. But such as it is, I’m now doing my best and listening to my doctors and doing my best to fix old habits. After the carefree days of my youth, adulting hit me right between the eyes after a disastrous first marriage, divorce, then the unexcepted pregnancy of my girlfriend (current wife). I’ve now had to spend most of my life being the adult, the responsible one. But to be honest I don’t really miss those unscheduled days. I was a lot dumber (hard to believe). Had way too many unresolved issues (you don’t want to know). And I never gave a thought to my future. But I’m living that future now and it’s telling me, “It’s okay you’ve made it this far”, so go on and be grateful this time is yours”.

Pictures of Our Kids

9/19/2024

Before it gets too hot I’m spending another quiet morning parked between the fig bush and the clothesline. Today is my rest day in- between me heading into town tomorrow for more quarterly blood work. This time only requiring 5 vials of my life. But it’s for a good I suppose checking my blood cell count and my iron deficiencies. It least this crew for what it’s worth are pretty good at drawing blood. Over the years we’ve gotten to know each other pretty well, showing each other pics of our kids and grandchildren.

From a distance I smell effects of a freshly cut lawn, within the muffled sound of a zero-turn mower. Shadows reflect off the sheets I just put on the line, reminding me of days when my mom hangout the laundry. Now I’m the parent and grandparent, watching my own kids stumbling through the world of parenting much like I did. I thank my lucky stars that for the most part I been allowed to retire. With my kids knowing I here for them, without the added stress of having to bail them out of every jam.

My hope is you’re granted the comfort. That you have the confidence that your own children grow up the be good parents. While I was parenting I suffered, and I suffered hard. Floating through one mental crisis to another doing what I had to do to hold on. Now most of my days are spent paying the price for all that stress and bad choices just to survive. You may wonder, “Damn, was it all worth it?” The answer obviously, yes. “Adulting” as it’s now called, is no easy road. But sitting here in my shitty state of well-being is something I can live with knowing “my four and no more” are content and successful. Meaning that despite my flaws, I must have done a decent job.

Blue Skies

9/17/2024

I am staring out at blue skies. What was once a quiet blue morning has quickly turned into gas fumes and loud lawn equipment next door at the EMC. It takes the three of the more time to cut them three strips of grass than one 80 year old man that cuts my yard. But that is what you get for hiring 19 year old dropouts working for beer money. Believe me I know. Anyway, Buffy’s in my lap, she hates the racket too. So with the smell of a badly tuned weed eaters, I sit here and wait for these boys to get done mowing.

But at least I am outside after a week of rain and drizzle. With a good breeze blowing off that storm in the Carolinas. I got clothes hung out for the first time in days. While I’m not fan of dryers (no 240v outlet) on weeks like this they would have been most appreciated. Still the leaves are beginning to fall, and autumn is just a few days away. There is nothing much going on in my head other than the bruises healing up on my arms. I guess like most people in my position it’s just get your chores done and find a hobby.

It is not like I would not want a regular job like everyone else. But there comes a point for some of us when you just can’t . Now even the casual things which I do have become hard. As a young person I never thought much about growing old. As a middle aged man I was far too busy working and being the single parent with a house full of kids and a spouse with special needs. But then it all changed. With all the stress of family responsibility, going to school, and working I finally just shut down. Now going on my ninth year of living on borrowed time, all I apparently have to show for it is, watching this youngin run a leaf blower against the wind. But between the blue skies and the clouds, I carry on. Apparently living to watch contractors speeding by my house and the smell of poorly mixed gasoline.

Compassion & Empathy

9/15/2024

It’s a cloudy Sunday morning and I’m sitting here at my desk looking over a story I wrote a few days ago. It’s one of my gripe pieces where I do a little venting about whatever. But after reading over the story I decided that it sounded like something the people I was writing about would actually say… gripe, gripe, gripe. So I decided to can that project and instead focus on truth. Truth that “righteous anger” is one thing, but outright insults and one-upmanship are another. As I focus on my mindfulness journey I find myself being sad for those that are so determined and arrogant to prove others wrong. That all the world is black and while with no room for compassion or empathy.

My outward appearance is that of a hardened, stubborn, asshole. And while I take no pride in that fact, I accept my limitations. That’s why I choose to limit my social commentary to written words and not video post. Considering my dyslexia, I have to be careful when choosing my words. This allows me to post mindfully and not to ramble on just to prove I’m right. Now that doesn’t mean I’m not susceptible to fits of rage, just ask my family. But I am a little careful when addressing the general public.

Reading over the first two paragraphs I suppose my objective for all this jabbering is, choose your words wisely. But also to take a moment to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Listen I’m far from perfect in fact I’m probably one of the worse of the worse when it comes to PC. And while many may say I have no excuse, especially when expounding the nobleness of being mindful. But at least I’m pumped my head full of the right thing, as apposed to the other. So forgive me of my shortcomings as I do my best to forgive yours. Life is more than just proving we are right. It is about the compassion we express towards one another and the empathy we feel about each other’s situations.