She recalls all to well the stress and pressure that I was under when trying to finish my Capstone Exams for my Graduate Program in 2015. You see it was that pressure along with the pressures of supporting my family and business that fueled my first, second, and Lord knows how many other heart attacks. I’ve lived with the threat of stress ever since 1999 when I was first diagnosed with GAD, Chronic Depression, OCD, and Panic Disorder. For a really long time I struggled to just get out of bed. But slowly through medication, cognitive therapy, and mindfulness training; I pulled myself up by the bootstraps mentally. But still sometimes that wasn’t enough. So as my mental issues increased more and more, they ultimately manifested themselves in physical ways.
Of course being a smoker and obese didn’t help. But after my first long hospital stay and subsequent first heart surgery. I made improvements in my physical health. And for the past 9 years I’ve doing better to change my poor habits. But as I’ve realized, the damage was already done. So as I lie here making another midnight confession while my bride quietly sleeps. But I feel a little bit better, at least mentally. Over the years I’ve learned, I often can’t change what my soul’s feeling. Pain from the past is a hard path to avoid. Often all I can do is listen to what it’s saying and tell that hurting child I understand and love you. That is often the first step one most take to renew your hurting soul.