The sun’s getting a little intense around here, it not even noon time and it’s already 80°f. Lisa graciously brought me out some lemoned iced tea to keep me hydrated. We got what few dirty clothes washed this morning and they’re hanging out to dry. We just left our daughter’s house she told us she was having a video call with her mother-in-law about some family business. Interestingly in the three or four years we’ve gotten to know our now son-in-law, I’ve never spoken to his parents.
If I bring up the subject with our daughter I’m usually met with some resistance. Oh I’ve heard all the excuses. Still in all my years of dealing with people, there were very few I genuinely didn’t get along with. But I’m saving this fight for another day. As long as our son-in-law is good to our daughter, I’m fine. Each of us has to grow in our own time and pace. To understand another person takes time and nonjudgmental listening. I’m sure a few people think I’m a bit “nosey” or at the very least a bit too candid. But that is okay, I figure this is my forum so I can do pretty much as I please. But don’t worry, when conversating with someone I’m a good listener and a great secret keeper.
I guess the thing is we all need an ear to lean on sometimes. Unfortunately in these hurried times there’s not much time for intimate chatter. Besides social media has setup this false narrative that we all must be at our best. I suppose that’s okay for a nice picture showing you having fun. But most of the time we are wrapped up in the mundane doings of life. So maybe my candor hasn’t won me a 7,000 followers let alone 700. But that’s none my concern. Instead I find myself driven by a need to connect. That with each person I’m given the opportunity to know. I try and be as present as I can.
Finally got a few minutes to sit outside in the shade. We went over to our daughter’s to check on George, while we were there Lisa decided to wash the dishes in the sink. Never figured out why parents do that, I guess it’s just a nurturing thing. Because we’ve already spent some 20 years of our lives looking after them and oftentimes habits are just hard to break. So for now, I sit here listening to the wind and chasing shade.
It’s funny how the leaves twinkle while they dance in the wind. All fresh and green chained to their branches keeping them alive. But after a season of nourishing that old tree, they fall away. Not completely discarded, for eventually they decay and feed another generation. I suppose we’re kinda like that, holding on to the leaves knowing not to let go. Till the time is right and they eventually nourish others.
Lisa hangs the first of our daughter’s clothes out to dry. Some may say we soil her, but there are trade-offs like using her shower or her taking me to the hospital. But sitting here in the backyard I see the fig leaves dancing above me. I hear birds singing in the distance, and catch the slightest hint of petunias on the wind. Still I find myself feeling a little weak. But that’s just the order of things where the vigor of youth gives way to fall-like serenity of chasing shade.
I woke up a little early this morning. Yesterday I wasn’t feeling too good, so I spent most of the day in bed. When I went to sleep last night, I wasn’t expecting to sleep very long. But I did surprise myself and slept till around 6 am. I’m sitting at my desktop which I rarely do anymore. My bedroom/office is still dark. It reminds me of the nights I used to sit here at the desktop and work on my college studies several years ago. Back then I worked at night on the weekends in 12-to-14-hour shifts. That way I had the next four days to run errands and do my college studies.
With this particular school (University of Phoenix) it took me 7 years to complete my associates, bachelors, and graduate studies in Business Systems Analysis. It’s funny now, because that seems like a lifetime ago. And for over forty years of my life, I thought that elusive college degree is what would validate me. All those achieved goals, all those fulfilled dreams, now reduced to adject poverty and just watching the world turn. But with that I have learned to accept the truth about who I really am. I’ve learned from long introspection that I am more than the sum of parchment paper I have collected.
I wish I could down in 300 words or less the work and sweat I’ve had to put into getting myself to this point. I suppose you’ll just have to keep reading my stories to find out. But my point here is, we don’t have to be defined by any particular one thing. A mistake made decades ago doesn’t have to be a scarlet letter we wear forever. Neither are the scars left upon us by our peers. My life may not have turned out as I had planned, but it hasn’t stopped me from living. Look inside yourself, listen to what your heart cries for, forgive yourself, and forgive those that wronged you. In due time peace and satisfaction will overcome all the adversity.
We just got back from our youngest daughter’s house. We went over to have breakfast with her and her family, a sort of Mother’s Day thing for Lisa. Our two grandchildren give “Granny” a homemade card then ran around terrorizing each other. It’s a little funny now but just over six years ago, our daughter trusted me with the secret that she was pregnant with our granddaughter. She told me and her husband’s late grandmother the news while we were both in the hospital. I guess she thought we looked a little worse for wear, so she went ahead and told us. The same thing happened three years later when she became pregnant with our grandson. I guess my daughter is just like her old man, always looking at the worst case scenario.
I’m sitting out here under the fig tree/bush enjoying the breeze as a cold front blows in. It’s a welcome change from the pre-summer heat and humidity we had last week. I’m feeling pretty well considering, I got my second Covid booster yesterday. Things like that make my PCP happy and besides science and medicine have kept me alive this long. Figs are just beginning to bud, while the turnips and mustard in the garden are flowering up. Bringing out the bees and butterflies to pollinate. You know seeds must be sown for nature to flourish. The same can be said for humankind. The eyes of wonder, that spark of energy I see in my grandkids. I saw in my children and also remember in myself.
We are all given a certain amount of time. If we try that time can span a generation or two. But often we are limited by what we see in front of us. So while living in the moment gives us the fullest existence. Living selfishly and with fear, only stifles the potential we can reach. Don’t be one of the many that walk in selfishness, stubbornness, and fear. Each generation creates it’s own boundaries. All we can do is have the faith we taught them well. So quit hanging on to power, quit being so damn selfish. Your way may not be their way to true enlightenment.
Where to begin? I guess it all started with my poor old damaged heart. And because of my weakened heart I developed Atrial Fibrillation (AFib). My cardiologist prescribed me medication to help with the AFib which worked. But the medication came with side effects that may have created other medical problems to which I suffer. So my cardiologist pulled me off that medication and the AFib has come back. So now we are exploring other procedures to help with the AFib.
At the moment I’m wearing a heart monitor to continuously measure my heart rate. Then after a couple of weeks of that, I go the a cardiologist that specializes in handling AFib cases. It the moment it looks like I’ll be having a cardiac ablation procedure done to help with my heart. But all this is a little ways down the road. At the moment I’m trying to absorb all this new information. I’m feeling much more optimistic then I have for the last few weeks. But still the anxiety creeps in and everything around me is starting to sound like noise.
The whole thing in a way is frustrating. The funky way my heart will beat, the continuing fatigue, and my biggest fear the shortness of breath. You try to tell yourself to be patient that we’ve played this game with fear and anxiety way too many times. It seems the more I fight mentally, the more my body defies me. I just sigh and say, “it is what it is”. But that’s what’s happening right now. Hopefully over the next few days I’ll gain a little more perspective and my raw emotions will settle. So for now I’ll kick it into autopilot and go with the flow.
Another one of my blood blisters busted on my arm yesterday It run a stream of bright red blood down my arm before I ever noticed it. But don’t worry I’m more than used to this and I keep a ample supply of Band-Aids with me. I’ve been told this is just a sad side effect of the large volume of blood thinners I must take. So I do my best not bump my arms, but most of the time the blisters just appear on their own.
Life is all about the conditions that it places on us. Rather it’s being mindful of cuts and scraps. Or to know which side of the street to walk on to keep from being killed. Some of us are lucky to have few stipulations placed upon us. Rather by our gender, race, or social standing; we can move about freely with no real fear of consequence. I often see this every day with my classification as white and male. But what if I wasn’t, what if I were black or female or both? I like to think of myself as “color blind”, but what if somewhere conditioned in me are still those racist tendencies? The same can hold true for class or educational status.
I often find myself guilty of judging others by their upbringing or political standing. Labelling some as ignorant or selfish just by their political or religious affiliation. I was raised at the beginning of the Evangelical or Pentecostal movement of the 1970’s. These independent churches usually made up their own rules of spiritual interpretation as they went along. I personally stepped away from the particular type of theology a few decades ago. But like I said, we are all conditioned to think and live as our surroundings often dictate.
I guess what I’m trying too say is, things can change. We can ask forgiveness for the wrongs we’ve done. We can fight against the injustice we see placed upon others. Or look at the situations in which we all live and do our best to live despite them. Sitting out here while a scab begins to form over my latest wound, I’m reminded. This to shall pass. And that no matter the condition, we all must willing to fight for what is just of all.
Sitting here I’m listening to one particular bird song. It’s one I’ve heard at least a hundred times. It’s funny how I seem to remember each note as it’s repeated until it’s done. The wind is blowing from the northeast a change from yesterday’s westerly flow. I assume that means the low pressure we were under is moving. Maybe the birds are having the same conversation. Like old man on a park bench talking about the weather or politics. But I assume that conversation would be way more animated.
I still find myself asking questions of love and purpose. Questions about obligation and the depths to which taking care of one’s needs simply becomes selfishness. I find comfort in where I am, yet I also find myself desiring more. Wondering if the absence of one truly is the absence of wholeness? Maybe I’m stepping over the bounds of comfort and longevity. But these are the questions I find myself asking every day.
To those that may feel like minded, I have no concrete response. On many occasions I’ve found myself teetering over the edge of safe judgement and blind faith. Hovering ever so close to chaos, yet always finding myself pulling back. Maybe it’s as we’ve told each other a thousand times. To cross the line would somehow ruin the perfection we see. But we know good a damn well that’s not the reason. The true reason is that we were never really separated. Physically yes, but never spiritually. Love like the dance of the wind, is ever present. Love like the song of the birds, that bears repeating every day.
With the laundry hanging under overcast skies, I hear the activity going on around me. From the sawing of a down tree to the called each other by name. A quiet breeze blows out of the west gently moving the clothes. Almost like a stationary group of soldiers on parade.
Still dwelling on the after effects of last night’s dreams, I wonder if their meaning. Or even if there’s any meaning at all. I wonder too much, often giving in to my own flight’s of fancy. Thinking myself too elevated for casual conversation.
But I am just a man, a man who’s world as shaped by the influence of good and evil. A man who’s words maybe too blunt for his own good. So I sit here and dissect myself too completely. Till there’s hardly a man left to see. Picking through the scraps of what was once potential. Just to find a little peace of mind. Wrapped within a skin so frail.
After three perfectly sunny days of being stuck in the house I’m finally back outside. Ever since the big rains of last week my head has been pounding and my body itching to death from allergies. Honestly this has been the worst bout with allergies I’ve had in years. But I suppose now that the dust has settled and l can once again enjoy the outdoors. Sitting here under my blooming shade, I can smell where someone is burning underbrush. While still closer, I can hear the songs of migrating birds settling in their springtime nests.
As the earth moves across the sun, the shade I enjoyed an hour ago now sits behind me. Pulling my rocker back under the shade, I get a different view of my surroundings. Much like you would get if you allowed yourself to understand else’s point of view. But as with many, most all my life has been filled with absolutes. Dealing with most everything from my station in life, to my faith, and even the choices of who I can love. Everything is painted in either black or white, yes or no, right or wrong.
But I don’t know anymore, I just don’t see things in such a limited way anymore. Now it seems that if I walked around with such blinders on, I wouldn’t be able to take in the beauty and wonder that is around me. I’d simply be stuck on an established, predictable path with no allowances for change or growth. But I don’t know, maybe these are just the ramblings of a failed man with a gift for gab. A storyteller with no real story to tell. But however you want to look at it, life should be a kaleidoscope colors, of choices, and discoveries. Nature is always in motion. Rather it's in the growth and color of spring or the death and decay fall. Don’t let the grass settle under your feet live a life of uncharted discovery. Don’t let circumstance steal your joy.
It’s physically exhausting to feel the rapid pitter patter of a heart gone crazy. It makes me nervous, but it doesn’t hurt. It just makes drawing a breath or focusing pretty difficult. I really haven’t done anything to bring this on. It usually just appears out of nowhere. My cardiologist says it due to a damaged left ventricle not pumping enough blood. Whatever’s causing it, it’s a damn nuisance that really pisses me off.
I’ve written a many a word about the limitations my body has placed on me. The mental illnesses that plague me. The circumstances that trouble my soul. I do my damnedest not so much to ignore these things, but to accept them, then work to make things better. But believe me, under all this accepting façade, is a man who is often exhausted and afraid. So what do you do?, you may ask.
For me the thing that drove was my responsibility to others. The caretaking of my family and my responsibility to myself. Despite whatever shortcomings I feel about myself, my mindfulness training has taught me to love myself. That fear is an accepted by-product of abuse and neglect. That when examined and forgiven can take you beyond any circumstance. So as I lay here, my old heart chilling just a bit. Reminding myself that just a small act of perseverance can pull you through any perceived trouble.
I’m doing something I rarely do anymore, I’m sitting on the front porch. I guess because it was my smoking spot for so long. And even though the ashtray and pipes are long gone, I can’t help but remember the pleasure it brought me. It’s raining right now and it is nice to breathe clear air for the moment. The squall line from the storm hasn’t made it here quite yet, but the winds picking up and the rain’s falling a little harder.
I sit here feeling a little flush. Not sure if I have a slight fever or if it’s just humid. But considering I already have two fever blisters in my mouth, I’m betting on a fever. Well in a world of transition, news and social media do their damnest to keep us paranoid and afraid. All in the name of the almighty advertising dollar. Now I’m not saying there isn’t some “hidden agenda” somewhere. But considering, money seems to be the obvious motivation.
Desire and wants aren’t always for our best interest. Take pipe smoking, the pleasure of the taste and smell were very comforting. But the price I’ve paid through my declining health and mouth like a meth head is the price I paid for that pleasure. Just because something feels right, doesn’t make it good for you. Be mindful of your words and actions. Something that may feel right to you may be harmful to those around you. Sacrifice and respect are also components of freedom. We are a community, something that benefits the one shouldn’t be damned the whole because it makes you uncomfortable.
Well my shade a blooming although it’s not doing much for my lungs and my sinuses. Because that yellow demon spore is everywhere covering up the car, my clothes, and the cats. But we have been promised a little rain this week, so we take the bad with the good and press on with living. It’s 2022 and a little ways down the road it’s going to be my 60th year on this earth. Not bad for someone that shouldn’t have made it past 2015.
But don’t worry, I’m not going to stick to the depressing stuff. I’d much look forward to the rest of the spring and summer no matter how bad my sinuses want to kill me. I’m not going to plan any farther than that, cause I’m not that guy anymore that plans not everything just to crumble. Now getting up one day at a time may not be much of an action plan. But it works for my health and my sanity. It helps me keep in perspective what is wrong and right and what is important and not.
So I press on seeking what is true. And now that is watching the world as it drives and apparently flies by (a couple of Blackhawks just flew by). My life’s too short for “plans”. Now my oldest child would staunchly disagree with that statement, considering she plans out everything with military efficiency. But I for one had to get off that merry-go-round just to survive. So as you go about your life, do as you see fit, remember one size doesn’t fit all. Be flexible and press on.
I came outside just to get away from the noise in the house. Normally around this time of the evening I’m in my room listening to some music and decompressing from the day. But our special needs son decided to have a shouting match with one of the cats who wasn’t having any of it. After 31 years of living with this usually great individual, you have learn to take the good with the bad. So after my beautiful bride decided to join in on the chorus of yelling, I just went outside.
The right now the sun is just about behind the house. I probably got another half hour of good sunlight left before I have to go back in. If this had been 30 years ago, I would stay outside sitting by a warm fire drinking a beer with some friends. But so much for bonfires, beer, and pleasant company; there’s not much of that around here. When I made the decision to move here from my hometown. All I could think about was just getting away from there. Even now I still get a bad case of wanderlust and think about going away. But with age comes the slightest hint of wisdom. So those thoughts get quickly consumed by reality.
I don’t know what got me thinking about this other than the 80% boredom I’m surrounded with or the 20% wanting to pull my hair out. Either way I’m sitting here watching the sunset. Taking for granted that I do have a choice in the matter of rather to take the noise or not. Listening to a few of my old friends I get the impression that I am actually in an ideal situation. While living in a complicated arrangement, I do have some escape routes from the chaos. Such as turning to my writing or simply stepping outside. So don’t allow stressful situations to rob you of your sanity or your health. Take a moment, breathe, then think clearly and move away.
Finally after three days of grey and rainy skies, I’m sitting here enjoying a lovely cloudless day. The wind is sweeping from out of the southwest carrying with it the fresh scents of spring. I noticed the leaves coming out on the sycamore trees, meaning I’ll have a little shade soon. The poor old fig bush is still recuperating from the frost of a few weeks ago but hopefully it will bud again soon.
I’ve been kinda out of it the last few days. I think more than anything it’s been the crappy weather. But to be honest, it may have a lot to do with the seeds planted by my cardiologist, with his diagnosis that I needed a defibrillator implanted. That kinda shit plays with my head and of course with my fears. Each time I feel a bit of a heart flutter the paranoia sets in. I know I should know better, but for those of us that deal with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD); whatever issue triggers us the most is always there.
But from down the road I can hear the sound of a lawnmower and with it the sweet smell of fresh cut grass. So I breathe in the aroma. Telling myself to I understand the fear I feel. That no matter what, peace of mind comes from the understanding that life is how you make it. That you can either live it in dread or you can embrace it and learn from the journey. My hope is that we all learn compassion is the key, and that no matter what the trees will bud again soon.
After a few rough days, I’m outside again. With my back to the sun, I can hear the migrating birds chattering away while the laundry dries on the line. As you may or may not know, it’s been a challenging week for me both physically and mentally. But given time and allowing myself to absorb the information. I can now say I’m ready for the next challenge. I don’t think I go through anymore shit than anyone else. I do think that maybe the difference is I’m a little more open and honest about it.
For decades I searched for a way to make myself stand out, you know to be noticed. But most of my attempts were mediocre at best. And for someone with an extremely low level of self-esteem anyway, you can see where it didn’t take much to bring me down. It wasn’t until I began to break down physically that I started to let go of the drama of my own life that weighed me down. Now does that mean I’ve stumbled across some secret cure for mental abuse I suffered. Respectfully, no. But what I have learned is not to just cling to the good parts of myself. But to embrace and love the hurting and painful parts of myself as well.
You see, God, Mother Nature, or whomever part me together, put me together “warts and all”. And you know what, that’s okay. To reject the weaker sides of yourself would be like cutting off a limb for no good reason. It’s simply not supposed to happen. Embrace who you are. Embrace the flaws, the weaknesses and learn from them. And who knows, you may learn a little something more about yourself. All I’m saying is, be who you are. Be honest with yourself. Don’t let the gauge of society rob you of your uniqueness and gifts.
The world seems so small, when surrounded by your own fears. Acceptance and self-compassion only go so far, when comfort is what you need. Tied in a knot of your own fear. With no way to release the pressure value that isn’t self-destructive. You end up curled up in a ball wishing you were somewhere else.
Social media doesn’t help, it only exacerbates the situation. Seeing all those smiling faces, knowing that you’re not one of them. Knowing that you are alone. The amygdala while stunned by medication, still makes it’s presence known. A hard reality I accepted so many years ago.
But like so many times before, this to will hopefully past. Leaving me exhausting and drained for a while. It feels good to bounce back. But still there is that fear, that maybe you’ve used up your last chance. I know that may not be a very optimistic approach. But none the less it’s a real one. It is said time heals all wounds, but how much time do I need?
I’m just sitting here watching the clock tick away. I had an appointment with my cardiologist a few hours ago to go over the results of my echocardiogram. It’s funny because I already got the results through my patient portal a week ago. It really doesn’t say anything new, just a lower ejection function, with the same visible heart muscle damage. Anyway my cardiologist is wanting me to look at having a couple of new surgical procedures. Apparently the medication I’m taking has done all it’s able to do for my situation.
It seems like I’ve spent most my life dealing with one issue or another. Rather it’s mental, physical, or financial; they all just compound on each another. For a number of months my energy level has been at an all time low. My hematologist attributes it to my extremely low iron count. While my cardiologist is now saying my heart ejection function is going down. While that all maybe true it would be nice if these physicians would also take a look at my mental health. But for some reason that seems to be low on the priority list when it comes to my overall health.
Right now my mind is in a tale spin. I wasn’t giving much thought to this total lack of energy, other than feeling tired. But when you come from the doctor’s office trying to absorb all the information. You end up feeling stuck in a box with no way of getting out. There are flashes of dread pouring through my mind. But I simply don’t have the energy to fight the feelings. But I do have a choice as to what I can do. So for the moment I will let these emotions flow. Listening to each fear and worry. Then I will arm myself with information and patience. I will listen to the specialist and make the best educated decision I can for myself. For as much as fear and worry rob and steal my peace of mind. Compassion and awareness add back to it.
Well it paid off to get the limbs picked up out of the yard, Mr. Brown just came and cut the grass. While the grass growing is still in it’s infancy around here, the grass seeds needed to be taken down before they choked me. Still for me the scent of fresh cut grass is intoxicating. Don’t ask me how I ever ended up like this. I mean decades ago I was a suburban kid growing up next to a port city. My goals in life had nothing to with gardening or taking it easy. My goals were to play music and tour the world.
But living somewhere between rock and roll and religious euphoria. I found myself stuck between living my dreams and righteous duty. Aimlessly wondering, I ended up in a hellfire of a first marriage. Then stuck my toe again in the electric fence of love, becoming the hot mess I am today. I’m amused at how people think I actually know shit. But just like when the Apostle Paul called himself the worst of sinners, I sure as hell know what he was talking about. But with semi-righteous indignation I’ve plowed the fields of my life the best I could.
So here I sit, 59 years from where it all began. But ain’t that all we’re trying to do? Using what intellect and intuition we have to carve us out a path in the right direction? Hell, I don’t know. All I know is that the grass smells really nice and there’s just enough wind to keep the gnats at bay. I often think of myself like that old Kris Kristofferson song. ” He’s a poet, he’s a picker, he’s a prophet, he’s a pusher. He’s a pilgrim and a preacher, and a problem when he’s stoned. He’s a walkin’ contradiction, partly truth and partly fiction. Takin’ ev’ry wrong direction on his lonely way back home.” Amen.
Well it’s nearly 11 o’clock in the morning, it’s sunny as hell, and it’s only 34°f. A big change from the 72° it was Friday night at three in the morning. To say a little cold front blowed through would be an understatement. I suspect my little buddy from Canada sent this to me with a smile on her face. But still the bells at the Baptist church are ringing and I’m outside picking up the limbs that fell out of these sycamore trees yesterday.
The old barn owl is hooting behind me today, other then that not much noise can be heard. I got most of the limbs picked up and piled around the tree roots. That way when Mr. Brown comes around to mow the yard it’s easier for him to put them in his trailer. Without all that wind from yesterday the cold is a little tolerable. But I’m still bundled up to the max, because I’m not as well isolated as I used to be. You know sitting here gets me to thinking about change. Not just the change in the weather, but the changes in attitude of those around me.
People seem to be softening up. By that I mean, the hard blunt lines we saw people taking over the last few years are easing. Now you may not be seeing that in your life. But like a few people I’ve been taking the pruning shears to my circle of acquaintances. Cutting back the dead limbs and allowing fresh growth to bloom. This can also apply to your own self as well. So as I continue picking up these dead limbs, I’m reminded that purging yourself of dead weight is never a bad thing, especially when it’s weighing you down.
Well we are coming up on my favorite time of the year…allergy season. So on top of the other BS I put up with; now I have to contend with sneezing, headaches, dizziness, and well you get the picture. So I’m laying here, the fan on high, it’s 60°f outside, and it’s 3:30 in the morning. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had something to do, like work or school. But I don’t have any of that going on. So while Lisa’s asleep next to me without a care in the world. I’m left here my belly tight, nose stopped up, just feeling miserable.
You would think after all this years I’d learn people want to read something joyous or something positive. But leave it up to me to be hard headed and simply speak my truth. I guess because I’ve learned that masking my emotions, masking my truth. Only made me more miserable and more in pain. That by simply facing the truth and coming up with a tangible answer instead of some fairy in the sky bullshit. Was really what my broken soul needed. While none of this is really solving my achiness or insomnia, at least it’s all out there clearly defined.
So I’m down to the final paragraph where all the wisdom comes together in a nice tidy bow. Well, I hate to hurt your feelings. I still feel miserable and I am still wide awake. So what do I do? Read some more social media posts? Listen to another podcast? I don’t know. Sometimes there’s just not any answers. So we go on putting one foot in front of the other and you survive. I have a loved one that goes through way more shit then I do. But every day they put their big girl panties on and live their lives. Nothing’s ever gonna be perfect and the one life you can be sure about, is the one you’re living right now. Acceptance and hope, are the two things I clang to when all else seems gone.
While waiting in the lobby for Lisa to see her doctor, a young couple showed up with their infant child. The mother went to sign in at the desk leaving the father with the newborn. Well as usual the baby started to cry sounding to me like he either was hungry or had a poopy diaper. Anyway, the Dad seemed to be lost. Holding the baby, cooing the baby, doing whatever he could think to do. Eventually the Mom came back out, simply reaching into the diaper bag and pulling out a bottle. The baby quickly quieted down almost immediately.
As he fed and then burped the little one. It took me back to all those restless nights and unending doctor visits I made with my own children. At the moment all our babies are over the age of 30 and one with children of her own. It’s been an eventful 35 years, each laced with triumph and tragedy all their own. So as I watch this young Dad cradle his little one, I can’t help but wonder. How many lessons he’ll be learning on this long journey of life.
I’m sitting out here at noon time and it’s already 80°f . That wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t the first week of March and not a tree or bush in my backyard has a leaf on it for shade. So I guess I’ll just suffer through with a light breeze blowing out of the southeast, and a few cotton ball clouds overhead. Sorry Lauren for you sitting in your winter wonderland. The Baptist have just let out next door and their heading to the parking lot, heading home to their pot roasts and mash potatoes.
It's an on going thing around here, me staring at them and them staring at me. Each wondering what the hell the other’s doing; but isn’t that how it is with most people? Just wonder around aimlessly with no real goal or purpose in mind. Listen on the surface I may seem like the most listless person in the world. One without goals or a spark of determination. But you know what, I lived in that world of goal setting for some 50 years. And to be honest all it ever got me was a wrecked nervous system, shot to hell heart, and a gut with a mind of it's own. Besides what I’m talking about is the purpose and determination that drives your very soul.
I’ve parked myself under the shade of the tool shed to get out of the sunlight. Many of us do the same when hiding from the hard questions we should be asking ourselves. Things like, am I happy with my life? Am I being the best possible person I can be? Or, is this all there is, to get up go to work, drink some beer and then die? These are hard questions and there are some that are even harder. Even as listless as I may seem, I still worry and I still fear. But I’ve learned to ask myself, is this really what I want? And while my life is far from perfect, I’m happy where I am. I’m at peace with who I am becoming. Just a man who cares and knows what drives his soul.
Me and Lisa decided to give ourselves a little vacation this weekend. First we drove to Savannah for half the day to visit family. Then we drove down the coast to our old haunt on Jekyll Island. With no particular plans we just came down because the rest of the month is going to be full of doctor appointments. So there was no better time to sneak off then now Our trip to Savannah was quiet, we had a good visit with our friends. It wasn’t much of a trip, but just being back home was very therapeutic for me.
In the early afternoon we took off down old US 17 towards Brunswick and Jekyll Island. Once we got out of the Savannah area, old 17 turned back into the quiet two lane road I remember as a kid. We checked into our motel, cleaned up and headed over towards Jekyll Island. Once there we nearly got toted off by sand gnats on St Andrews Beach. Then we crushed a wedding and reception being held on Great Dunes Beach and pavilion. But Lisa did get her prize of some sand dollars and I did get a few shots of the wedding and the sunset.
As I lay here now on a quiet Sunday morning, my bones aching in restless slumber on a strange bed. I realize that some things are worth the aggravation. That sometimes an uneventful drive is what you really needed to clear your head. That unfulfilled promises to yourself are often okay. Especially when you realize that the journey is way more important that the destination.
The bandage on my hand offers a little comfort to the hole torn in my skin. We all wear bandages of one kind or another. Keeping our wounds from festering and to quickly heal. But even so there are the scars. The scars that remind us of the scrapes and falls we all take.
Some are good at suppressing the damage. They walk around flawlessly, never showing any weakness. But then there are those of us that are the walking wounded. With wounds that never seem to heal. I see your scars, I embrace your truth. And no matter how many times you fall. I’ll always be there to brush you off and bandage those wounds again.
The scent of the clothes drying on the line helps to center me. Because sitting here I don’t really want to live this day. Instead I’d much rather have my mind free from today’s worries. Instead of just sitting here worrying about the bills, my health, and troubles in the world. So I came outside early. Focusing on what I see and hear around me reminds me that “this too shall pass”. That in the grand scheme of things perception is all we really have and that worry and fear are concepts only a troubled mind attaches itself to.
So the scent of the drying laundry is a comfort. So to are low drone of passing cars and songs of the migrating birds. I feel the movement of the wind through the cloudless sky, the call of a passing crow, and the distant cry of a barn owl. All begging me to listen and to understand. That not all life is trial and tribulation, but instead it can be peace and understanding. I’ve witnessed many things in life, many good and many bad. But to dwell in any one place is never a good thing. Balance is what our lives need. It gives us the perspective and the awareness we need to focus. To focus on the tasks at hand.
All post written by
FD Thornton, Jr
All Rights Reserved.